Knowing when to quit
by reidability
Summary: Knowing that he would never again be able to work in the profession that had been his life's calling, Reid felt that his life had become meaningless. What was the point of being alive, when life was not worth living...
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Of course, I know that I don't own any of the characters and ideas from ATWT._

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He had decided to put an end to it all, and he would do it tonight. His life had become meaningless, there was nothing left to live for. During the past few weeks the path that lay ahead of him had become clearer and clearer. Nothing in the world could stop him now and he was determined to get it over with quickly.

Anyway, this was what should have happened three months ago when his car got stuck on the railroad tracks and he hadn't been able to get out of his car in time before it was hit by the train approaching at full speed. If Reid had had his way, his life would have ended that day, back at Memorial, right after the accident, to give somebody else the chance to go on living.

He still remembered every second of that fateful afternoon, the insufferable pain in his entire body, horror and grief in Luke's eyes –and then – Luke's silent tears accompanying the acceptance of what then had seemed inevitable.

Reid had been surprised at how easy it was for himself to accept the fact that he was about to die. Sure, there had been a feeling of regret that he wouldn't have more time with Luke, but all in all it had been easy to let go, knowing that with his final breath he was able to safe a patient's life.

He remembered Luke's lips on his the instant before everything went blank – and that should have been the end of Reid Oliver.

Well, in a way it had been, and today he really wished it had ended that day for the essence of what had been Reid Oliver was lost, never to be retrieved.

When he had first opened his eyes again – two days after the accident, he actually thought that everything was going to be okay again. Luke had been so incredibly happy, although, of course, the death of Chris Hughes had been a shock to him. Instead of passing away and giving Chris life, Reid had been miraculously brought back to life and Chris had died.

And there had been more bad news in store for Reid. When it had become clear that although he was in a coma, he had a slight chance of surviving, they performed an emergency surgery on him to stop the internal bleeding and thus had managed to save his life.

Being alive, however, came at a very high price for Reid. After two weeks full of all kinds of examinations and Luke hardly ever leaving his bedside in spite of the fact that Reid was asleep most of the time, he had received the doctors' diagnosis – or verdict rather: Due to the serious and unfixable damage the accident had done to the sinews and muscles in his right arm and hand, he wouldn't be able to perform a surgery ever again. Due to the immense impact of the train the moment it hit his car, the right arm which had been still in the middle of a futile attempt to loosen the seatbelt, had been crushed between the two seats. Arm and hand were still able to fulfill their most basic functions, but only in a very clumsy way which meant that handling a scalpel was no longer an option unless he wanted to run the risk of seriously damaging a patient's brain.

His first reaction to the news had been denial. In endless conversations with Luke he had gone on and on about how the doctors must be wrong and that they would only have to wait another two weeks for him to recover more fully and by sheer willpower he would have brought his arm back to its full function. Today, he remembered the pained expression on Luke's face, the brown eyes full of pity, fear and later, despair.

When at one point Luke tried to contradict Reid and told him that he had better face the fact that he would never be able to operate on anyone again, Reid had completely freaked out and banned Luke from his hospital room for three full days although a tearful Luke begged him to let him back in. In the end it had been Bob Hughes, who couldn't stand it to witness how much Luke, who still came to the hospital every day, suffered, who persuaded Reid to allow Luke to come back.

During the next few days Luke kept his mouth shut when Reid talked about his complete recovery although the pain in the young man's eyes spoke volumes.

And then the acceptance of what could no longer be denied had overcome Reid and shattered his world; his whole life went to pieces. Being one of the world's most brilliant neurosurgeons was what made his identity. This was what he had worked for all his life, had poured all his energy into and the only thing he had ever lived for since enrolling as a student of medicine at Harvard. Saving lives, healing people from conditions most of his colleagues considered hopeless and being damn good at it – that was what gave his existence meaning and purpose.

Once he had fully taken in the fact that all this was no longer to be part of his life, he practically died inside. The most important moments of his life were flashing in front of his inner eye. The day he got the letter of acceptance from Harvard Med School, his first successful surgery, several patients he had been able to heal although their cases had seemed hopeless, the first patient he had lost, the day he had been granted his new neuro wing in Oakdale… To him this was worse than dying. For days he just lay in his hospital bed, trying to shun off the world.

Luke sat by his bed all the time, delivering speech after speech on how Reid would find something else to do with his life, how there were so many options for them and how everything that mattered was that Reid was still alive and that they were together, but all the response he ever got was Reid's empty stare at the ceiling. "You can still work as a doctor!" Luke said for what must have been the 30th time. "Maybe even become chief of staff still, if you…" And that was when Reid couldn't take it any longer. "Can't you just shut the fuck up!" he yelled at Luke, who flinched as if being beaten. "Being a neurosurgeon is my life! There is nothing else I want to do! Do you get that? And now just get out and leave me alone, for god's sake!"

Luke didn't say anything, but Reid could see his eyes filling with tears when he stood up and slowly walked towards the door. Before leaving the room, he turned around and gave Reid a pleading look, but the cold rejection with which he met in the older man's eyes made him leave the room without another word.


	2. Chapter 2

Of course, Luke came back the next day. He never mentioned Reid's outburst but also didn't bring up the topic of Reid's future again. Although in a way Reid felt sorry for Luke, there was nothing he could do to make things easier for the blond. Pretending he was getting to terms with his situation would have been a lie and he just wasn't a person to sugarcode anything. So he kept on lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling and cursing the fact that he had ever started to care for other people.

Katie came to see him a few times and told how empty her place was without him and how she and Jacob were looking forward to him finally being released from the hospital and coming back home. Reid could not help but admire the strength and self-control with which Katie coped with Chris' death, but he couldn't get himself to bring up the topic and neither did she.

Every day Luke turned up in the hospital room with new hope in his eyes and every day his hope was crashed. He brought food, he brought coffee, he brought books, he brought DVDs, but each time he did, Reid only thanked him politely and then ignored the things. Whenever Luke tried to hold his hand or even kiss him, Reid turned all cold and rigid. Reid himself couldn't even explain why he wasn't able to open up to Luke anymore, but the numbness inside his heart and his brain just couldn't respond to any kind of intimacy.

It went on like this for another week, before Reid finally came to his senses. The reason was that with a shock he finally realized what he was doing to Luke: He must have been sleeping very deeply that afternoon, because he couldn't remember having heard Luke come in, but when he woke up, he found Luke sitting next to his bed. Bending over the bed, his head on Reid's chest Luke was crying desperately. When Reid heard him sobbing uncontrollably and felt his body twist with the intensity of the sobs, he finally felt a deep pity for the man he loved and regret at the way he had treated him those past weeks.

He carefully lifted his left hand and started to gently stroke the soft blond hair. Luke started at the touch and looked at Reid with a mixture of fear and guilt. "I…I…I'm sorry", he stammered, obviously fearing another outburst from Reid. "I'll pull myself together…I was just…" "Shhh, it's okay", Reid whispered, continuing to caress Luke's head. "Everything is going to be okay", he heard himself say… In spite of himself he carefully drew Luke's head towards him. For the first time in weeks they kissed.

And that was when he had decided to go with the sugarcoding after all. For Luke's sake he decided to pretend that he was able to move on. He remembered all too well how much he had hated Noah for making Luke suffer the way he had and there he had been doing the exact same thing. From that day on, Reid acted as if though he was interested in his own recovery, and the growing relief and faith in Luke's eyes almost made it worthwhile. For Luke's sake he no longer allowed his true thoughts and feelings to show, but displayed some sort of brave acceptance. Reid endured x-rays, the change of bandages, the removal of casks and reluctantly went along with the physiotherapy treatment he was prescribed and which of course continued after he was finally released from the hospital.


	3. Chapter 3

The day he was allowed to go home, Luke came to pick him up, an encouraging smile on his face. By now Reid was able to walk without any support from a person or crutches, but he could only move slowly. In addition, the joint in his left knee was still completely stiff and the doctors weren't able to tell him how long this would last. The countless broken bones in his body and the other internal and external injuries had all healed pretty well, only his right hand was as useless as before.

"Ready to go home?", Luke smiled at him when they had finished packing up his things. Luke's optimism was touching. He had obviously been fooled by Reid's outward change of heart. "Sure", Reid forced a smile. "Let's get the hell out of here!" Reid headed for the door, determined to make his way through the corridors as quickly as he possibly could in his condition. Walking these corridors with the full knowledge that he would never be able to work here again stung more than he could take, which was why during the past weeks he had only left his room as little as possible.

When they got to the apartment, Katie, who seemed to have listened carefully for any sound of them approaching, opened the door before they even had the chance to look for the key and hugged Reid firmly. "Welcome home!" Her smile was genuine enough. Nothing about her appearance gave any hint at the tragic loss Katie had once more suffered in her life. The only thing that had changed was a picture of Chris standing next to Brad's photograph on the sideboard. Doubtlessly, Katie was much better at manning up than Reid had expected.

"Come in", Katie urged them into the room and Luke set down the small suitcase with Reid's things he was carrying. "I have bought all the ingredients for your disgusting sandwich." "Thanks. I can't wait to have one after all that crap they call food at Memorial". Reid cast her a smile and sat down on the sofa. Truth was he never really felt much like eating these days. Like so many times since realizing that he wouldn't be able to do his job anymore he felt a growing awareness that the man who had been Reid Oliver had died that day on the tracks.

Still, for Luke's and Katie's sake he had to keep pretending. "Where's Jacob? Has he missed me", he asked, trying to sound as cheerful as he possibly could. "Of course, he has", Katie replied. "But I only just managed to get him to sleep after two exhausting hours of trying, so please don't wake him up just now. What about making you that sandwich? You hungry, too, Luke?" Without waiting for an answer, Katie started to prepare a quick snack for the three of them.

About three hours later Reid and Luke found themselves on the sofa in the otherwise empty apartment. Katie had only just left with Jacob in order to pay a visit to Kim Hughes whom she seemed to have been seeing a lot since Chris' death. After the meal and some awkward conversation most of which had been done by Luke and Katie and during which all of them had tried to avoid any kinds of painful topics, Jacob had woken up and although the little boy actually seemed positively pleased at seeing Reid, this failed to have as much an effect on him as might have been expected. Although he had grown pretty attached to that child, Reid's emotional numbness couldn't be overcome by Jacob's smiling face and happy gurgling sounds.

"So?", Luke smiled expectantly. "Shouldn't we celebrate your first day of freedom in an appropriate way?", he asked in a suggestive voice while moving closer and wrapping his arms around Reid. Trying hard to keep his body from turning rigid, Reid forced a smile and kissed Luke quickly and lightly on the lips. Luke, who did not seem willing to let Reid get away with that little, ran his hands through Reid's hair and drew his head towards him, bringing their lips together again. Reid felt the younger man's tongue gently trailing his lips and was once more shocked at his own reluctance to reciprocate. Here he was, finally alone with the man whom only a few weeks ago he wanted more than he had ever wanted anyone before, and all he could do was sit there and force himself not to push Luke away – both literally and symbolically – and hurt his feelings. Reid quickly pressed his lips against Luke's and then carefully disengaged himself from Luke's arms.

Luke kept on smiling, but the hurt in his brown eyes spoke volumes. Once again Reid was overcome by pity for the blond who had already gone through so much in his young life. Reminding himself of his plan to keep up the pretense for Luke's sake, he brought their body and lips together again, this time parting his lips and allowing his tongue to meet Luke's.


	4. Chapter 4

Only weeks ago the sensation of Luke's warm lips on his own had been enough to cause Reid to almost get carried away with desire, but at that moment he actually had to will himself to allow Luke to deepen the kiss.

Luke didn't seem to have the same kinds of second thoughts, for he not only let his tongue trace Reid's lips in an eager way that clearly indicated that he wanted more than just innocent kissing, but also reached for Reid's shirt and started undoing the lowest button.

Reid nearly flinched when he realized what Luke was up to. Of course, this was what he had once wanted so much that he would have willingly given his life for one night with Luke, but now he just wasn't ready to be close to anyone.

Gently, he laid his hands on Luke's and thus stopped Luke from continuing what he had started. "This time it's me who needs time", he whispered hoarsely into Luke's ear. "Please try to understand."

Luke nodded and smiled understandingly. "Of course", he said gravely. "We have all the time in the world", he added, trying to sound cheerful although his disappointment showed.

However, Luke's characteristic optimism wasn't easily defeated. "I had something in mind for your first day out of hospital anyway. I think I know exactly how to bring you back to enjoying life." Luke jumped to his feet and tried to drag Reid up from the sofa as well. "Come on. Grab a jacket. We're leaving!"

Reid looked doubtful. He wasn't one for surprises anyway and in his present mood they were among the last things he needed. Yet, Luke was so full of enthusiasm – his brown eyes sparkling with anticipation – that Reid wasn't able to resist him.

Reid regretted his decision as soon as they were sitting in the car and Luke started the engine. What he really would have wanted right now was to be alone in his room and enjoy a few hours of complete privacy without any nurses and doctors that might drop in any minute and without having to put on an act all the time for Luke's sake.

Of course, he still cared for Luke, but it was exactly that fact that made his current situation so hard to stand. Sure, he didn't want to be like Noah, didn't want Luke to suffer because of what he had lost, but that didn't change the fact that the loss of his ability to perform surgeries was killing him inside. Reid couldn't help but wonder for how much longer he would be able to deceive Luke.

To make things worse, the ride in the car was bringing back vivid memories of his accident, the lights, the tracks, the realization that he was trapped, the panic, the resignation…the acceptance. Reid felt as if a heavy weight was pressing down on his chest, leaving him unable to breathe. This was similar to the panic he had felt that day they had been trapped in the elevator at the Lakeview.

He remembered how Luke had helped him to avoid breaking into a panic back then, how thinking of the human brain had calmed him down. The human brain, the most fascinating thing in the world, the human brain, the fixing of which had been his life's calling, the human brain, which he would never be able to fix again…The thought made him want to scream hysterically, beat against something, smash something, do anything to stop his mind from having to cope with this any longer.

He now knew what real grief must feel like. Losing a beloved person couldn't be any worse than this. He had lost the one thing in the world he had really loved and there was nothing to replace it with, and he was sure there never would be. The worst possible thing that could have happened to him had happened.

Fortunately, the drive was short, and before he knew it, Reid was woken from his brooding by the car coming to a halt. "Okay, that's it", Luke announced in a cheerful tone. "Come on, you're gonna love this."

Reluctantly, Reid got out of the car to join Luke who was leading the way. Reid recognized the place as the grounds belonging to the Snyder farm, but instead of heading for the house, Luke was beckoning him to follow him into the woods.

Although it was autumn, the sun was shining and the sky was almost ridiculously blue. Suddenly Luke slowed down and took hold of Reid's hand, smiling his bright Luke-smile. The next moment the trees gave way to a lake that lay there beautifully in the autumn sunlight.

Luke's eyes were gleaming when he looked at Reid expectantly. "Isn't this amazing? To me it's the most beautiful and peaceful place in the world. I come here all the time and I have wanted to take you here for so long. Right after the accident, when I thought you were going to die, I just couldn't bear the thought that we would never come here and go swimming together…"

Luke stopped when Reid breathed in sharply. "Don't worry", Luke grinned. "I'm not gonna make you go swimming today. I know it's too late in the year for that. But I really felt you should see the place … and you just have to promise me that we will go swimming here next summer!"

Reid didn't reply immediately, unable to respond to Luke's enthusiasm, and suddenly there was fear in Luke's eyes. "We will do that, right?", he urged. "Promise!" He squeezed Reid's hand so hard it hurt. "Sure", Reid replied, but his voice didn't sound too convincing.

They stood right at the shore of the lake now, watching in silence. Reid let his eyes travel around and take in the scenery. Luke was right, the place was beautiful. So calm and peaceful. And under different circumstances he surely would have enjoyed himself, but now he was just feeling empty and worn out.

"So? Do you like it?" Again that Luke-smile that used to make his heart want to burst with emotion. "A lot!", Reid drew Luke towards him and held him close so that Luke couldn't see his face and he wouldn't have to fake a smile. Luke wrapped his arms around Reid and leaned his head against the older man's shoulder.

"I'm so glad we finally had the chance to come here together", he said hoarsely. "You have no idea what it means to me. I was so fucking scared that I might lose you before we even really got started." He raised his head and locked eyes with Reid. His eyes were moist and he swallowed hard before speaking again.

"All I could do was think of the things we would never get to do together. …And it broke my heart." A dry sob escaped him, tears slowly running down his face.

Reid was desperately searching his mind for something to say or do, but couldn't think of anything. It was as if he had left his body and was watching the scene from a few yards away, a spectator who would have loved to, but wasn't able to interfere.

Luke swallowed once more and brought his hands to Reid's hair, caressing it softly. "I love you, Reid Oliver!", he said solemnly. "You are the love of my life!"

The revelation came to Reid as a shock. What would he have given for these words before his accident. He – not Noah – was the love of Luke's life!

'What the fuck do you think you're doing?', the Reid who was watching the scene was yelling at the Reid in the scene who was neither speaking nor responding in any other way. 'How can you let him down like this? Just say something, you idiot!' But the Reid in the scene remained silent, watching the expression on the face that was watching him turn from anticipation to disappointment to hurt.

They walked back to the car in silence.


	5. Chapter 5

_Thanks for the amazing reviews. I do enjoy writing this story and the tghought that some people actually like this really keeps me going._

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By the time they reached the car Luke was almost back to his usual self. Reid couldn't help but admire the younger man's strength and unfaltering optimism. How he wished he was able to give Luke what he deserved, but he wasn't.

"Sorry, I forgot you're not much of a nature person", Luke said in a hollow voice. "Somehow I'm doing everything wrong when all I want is to see you happy."

Suddenly, Luke's words and voice and expression blew a fuse in Reid. He was fuming with anger at himself. This was like some fucking a déjà-vu. There was Luke, breaking his neck to give Reid a good time and then he even blamed himself when things didn't work out. This was so exactly what Reid had gotten so mad about back when Noah was still blind and treated Luke like dirt.

Shivering with fury, he took a step towards Luke who was just about to open the door on the driver's side and pushed him against the car. Then he cupped the blond's face in his hands, forcing him to look him straight in the eyes.

"You are doing nothing wrong!", he yelled at him. "Do you hear me? Nothing! I don't want to ever hear you blame yourself again. This is about me! About me having to cope with the fact that I have to give up the profession that has been my life! It's got nothing to do with you!"

Luke's eyes reflected a mixture of shock and panic. He didn't say anything, just stared at Reid and Reid could feel him shiver. Without loosening the grip on Luke's face, he kissed him fiercely on the lips and pressed him against the car with his own body.

A sigh of both relief and pleasure escaped Luke who leaned against Reid's body and returned the kiss hungrily while his hands went up and started caressing Reid's neck.

Reid felt as if in a trance. What was driving him was a sudden fierce determination to bring his ability to feel back by force and his body was showing the correct reactions alright. Desperate not to let the heat die down, he began to grind his hips into Luke's while ravaging Luke's mouth with his tongue.

Luke moaned softly while Reid increased the friction between their lower bodies and hastily unbuttoned the shirt Luke was wearing under his jacket.

The skin on Luke's chest felt incredibly soft beneath Reid's hands. Luke was practically clinging to Reid's hair now, becoming more passive, his kisses turning more gentle.

Reid, however, ignored the change in Luke's responses. This was not the time for romance. He needed to go through with this now, to prove to himself that he was still alive.

Determined not to let this opportunity pass, he opened Luke's belt and slid his left hand into his jeans. Immediately, Luke's whole body went rigid, his lips and tongue stopped moving.

Once more, Reid tried to use ignoring Luke's reaction as a strategy to keep him going, but Luke remained motionless.

Finally, Reid gave in and let go of Luke, shaking with frustration. "What the hell is wrong with you?", he shouted at the terrified blond. "One moment you swear you love me, the next you push me away like some uptight teenager."

The terror on Luke's face was suddenly replaced by anger. "What is wrong with YOU?", Luke was shouting too.

"Back at Katie's you just told me that you need time and now you yell at me for not wanting a quick heat-of-the-moment fuck out in the open, leaning against a car?" Hearing the younger man use that kind of language came as a shock to Reid and Luke too seemed surprised by his own outburst.

His expression grew softer again and he lowered his voice. "Is that what you want our first time to be like?", he asked, and the disappointment and sadness in his voice finally brought Reid back to his senses and he took in the extent of the damage he had caused.

With his open shirt, undone belt and anxious eyes, Luke looked incredibly young and vulnerable and Reid was immediately struck with bitter regret. What the hell was happening to him, how could he lose control like that?

"Look…Luke…I…I'm so sorry", he stammered, reaching out his hand to touch Luke gently on the shoulder, but Luke winced as if Reid had been trying to hit him.

He slowly turned away and with his back to Reid buttoned his shirt and rearranged his belt. "I guess we had better go home now", he said in a dry and hollow voice and got into the car.

Lacking other options, Reid went over to the passenger's seat and got into the car as well. Without another word Luke started the engine.


	6. Chapter 6

On the drive back Reid was working his mind to find something to say to Luke but he couldn't think of anything. All he knew was that he had just screwed up big time.

Luke was driving fast, keeping his eyes straight on the road so that Reid couldn't really make out the expression on his face, though he could clearly see that it was tense.

When they had arrived and gotten out of the car, both men stood there indecisively, surrounded by an awkward silence.

"Maybe I had better leave you alone now", Luke finally broke the silence but still avoided eye contact with Reid. "You must be pretty tired anyway."

"Yeah, I think that'd be best", Reid heard himself reply coldly. "See you, then." "Sure. See you." Luke turned and started walking away.

From the way he held his head and shoulders Reid could tell he was desperate. If he let him go like this, the consequences for their relationship might be crucial.

"Luke, wait! Please wait!", Reid shouted after the blond. Luke started at the sound. He stopped and turned around to face Reid. His eyes were unusually cold and displayed anger as well as impatience.

"I don't want you to leave like this", Reid went on in a pleading tone. "It's my first day of freedom and I want to spend it with you."

Luke had frozen in his steps. He wasn't walking away from Reid any more, but he made no move to come back either. Reid's words obviously hadn't impressed him much.

Reid sighed and leaned against the car for support. His leg was hurting and he felt pretty exhausted. Knowing Luke, he knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Look", he began. "I know I just screw things up and I want to apologize. I'm sorry, I truly am. I didn't mean for this to happen and I definitely didn't mean to yell at you the way I did."

Luke raised his eyebrows ironically and sneered. Reid kept talking: "Luke, believe me that I didn't want to hurt you! I know what making love means to you, that you want our first time to be special and that's what I want to. That's why I told you earlier that I needed time…what came over me out there was…"

Luke still wasn't moving. Reid swallowed hard. Being honest – or at least partially honest – with Luke was the only chance he got now.

Reluctantly, he continued: "Well, I'm well aware that this is no excuse, but I was just overwhelmed by the need to feel that I am still alive. You have no idea what all these weeks in a hospital bed did to me."

Luke's expression was softening and Reid decided to try and make the best of the moment. "And then, you are so damn gorgeous!" There, a smile! It only flashed up for a second, but definitely a smile!

Reid slowly walked towards the younger man. "Seriously, I promise I will never urge you again. There's gonna be a time when we are both ready and then it will surely be worth the wait."

Luke nodded gravely, his eyes fixed on Reid's, who was only inches away from him now. "So you forgive me?", Reid asked carefully. "Of course, I do!", Luke replied.

He raised his right hand and gently touched Reid's cheek. "I figure that after everything you have been through you deserve a free pass or two." He leaned forward and kissed Reid lightly on the lips?

"So what do you wanna do then?" Luke's voice sounded way more cheerful again. "How about going to Al's to get you something to eat?"

"Sounds perfect to me!", Reid grinned. "Seems like you really do know me pretty well by now." Both men laughed and hand in hand they headed for the diner.

During the meal the two of them did their best to keep the mood from turning sour again. Reid encouraged Luke to talk about his family and was told the entire story of Holden and Lily gradually finding their way back together again.

Reid couldn't help but smile at the way Luke's face lit up when he was talking about his parents' new-found love. Luke was a romantic through and through and to his surprise Reid found this cute rather than annoying.

A few months ago he would have made fun of Luke for several hours in a row, but although he was far from turning a romantic himself, thanks to Luke he had become more tolerant towards human weaknesses.

Watching Luke's beaming face and listening to his voice, Reid felt himself beginning to relax for the first time in weeks. Eating at a diner and talking about something that wasn't the accident or his condition, life felt almost normal again.

"I guess they are one of those couples that are simply meant for each other!", Luke closed his monologue.

"And I guess you really believe that something like being meant for each other actually exists." Reid asked drily, not able to resist the temptation to mock Luke after all.

"Not for you, it doesn't", Luke threw back him and grinned. "There's nobody in the world who deserves being punished by you being the one person who is meant for him." They laughed again and finished their meal in companionable silence.

Later Luke walked Reid home. When they reached the front door, they stood there for a while, facing each other indecisively.

Reid felt that after everything that had happened today, this wasn't the right moment to ask Luke to come inside with him and from the way Luke was behaving Reid could tell that the younger man was feeling the same way.

"I think I should get home now", Luke finally broke the silence. "Katie probably wants some time alone with you. I mean, you didn't really have the time to talk much lately and she surely misses that."

"Right", Reid replied, relieved and grateful that Luke had found a way to make this easy for them. "Thank you for everything!", he said solemnly. "I really enjoyed myself." He grabbed the collar of the other man's jacket and quickly brushed his lips against Luke's.

Luke gave him one of his brightest smiles. "Good night, Reid", he said, before walking away while Reid took out his keys.


	7. Chapter 7

During the following days things were actually going uphill. Reid did his best to be the kind of boyfriend Luke deserved and they finally managed to do some of the things couples usually do when they start dating.

They met for breakfast or dinner, played chess, took long walks, went to see a movie and Luke took Reid shopping. They also spent evenings with Katie at the apartment, watching TV or just talking and Luke even got Reid to sit through two family dinners with Luke's newly reunited parents and the kids.

During all those dates they kissed and held each other a lot, yet never got truly intimate again. For Reid, it was hard to tell for whether this was only because they just happened to hardly ever be alone with each other these days or whether Luke was avoiding any kind of situation in which the subject might come up again on purpose. Anyway, Reid felt relieved rather than disappointed.

After the different incidents when the topic had come up in the past – both before the accident and after – Reid was more than aware of how seriously Luke took sleeping with somebody and what a big step having sex with another man but Noah would be for him, and in his current mental condition Reid was not ready for this kind of commitment.

Still, they were getting closer. They spent hours talking about all kinds of things they had never got to know about each other before. Okay, most of the time it was Luke who did the talking and Reid who did the listening, but eventually Reid caught himself opening towards Luke more and more.

He even told him about his estranged relationship to his uncle Angus who back when he was a kid had tried to turn him into a boy wonder chess player and who as far as he knew was still living in New York. As was to be expected, Luke tried to talk him into contacting Angus, a suggestion which Reid pretended not to have heard.

And then there was Casey's and Allison's upcoming wedding which was keeping Luke and Katie busy. Luke was to be Casey's best man and therefore had to be part of the planning process and Katie was helping out Kim.

Of course, it had been agreed on the fact that the wedding was to be quiet and private due to Chris' all too recent death. Yet, Luke and Katie spent a lot of time discussing the wedding preparations while Reid just listened, not really taking too much of an interest.

Never once during their conversations did Luke and Reid touch on the subject of the future and, to be honest, Reid not only avoided talking about the future but also systematically repressed any thought about what would become of him now for the simple reason that he knew he wouldn't be able to cope with it without freaking out and he didn't want to do that to Luke again.

Instead, he focused on the present – on Luke and also on Katie and Jakob. With Chris gone, he was the only potential father figure for the little boy and he knew that knowing he was there and ready to do the job until one day a new candidate would come around was a great comfort to Katie.

So all in all, things were finally sort of working out for Luke and Reid and the time they spent together became more and more precious to Reid. Luke could talk for hours and Reid would never once get bored, he would always come up with new ways of making everyday life special and he even managed to make Reid laugh sometimes.

One night, after they had been to a movie, they went to Al's for Reid needed a late snack. They had seen _The Social Network_ and throughout the meal Luke was making jokes about how the protagonist shared quite a few characteristics with Reid. Of course, Reid protested but he couldn't hide the fact that he was amused.

They had actually spent the whole day together. Breakfast at Java's, a visit to the Snyder farm, a long walk with Ethan and Nathalie who had annoyed Reid only a little by starting a fight over who was better at sports, dinner with Holden, Lily and the kids, a game of chess which of course was won by Reid although Luke argued that it was close this time, and finally the movie.

Later Luke walked Reid home, as had become a habit, and they were still laughing and flirting a lot. When they reached the house, Reid leaned in to kiss Luke goodnight, but instead of kissing him, Luke took his hand and looked him straight in the eyes. "I thought you might want to ask me in for another drink or so …", Luke's voice sounded suggestive.

Reid understood and started smiling. "Sure", he replied, trying to sound casual, and led Luke inside. When they entered the apartment, it was all dark. Katie had obviously gone to bed, but after all it was already around 11:30.

Reid turned on the lights. "So what's it gonna be for you then?", Reid inquired, opening the fridge. "Soda for me, please", Luke replied and sat down on the sofa. "Oh, here's a letter for you. Katie must have put it on the table." "What is it?", Reid returned with the soda and a beer for himself.

He sat down next to Luke, handed him the soda can, took a sip from his beer and picked up the letter. It carried the familiar logo belonging to the University of Harvard. Raising his eyebrows, Reid tore open the envelope, took out the letter and started reading.

At first he wasn't able to actually take in what it said, but then his heart seemed to miss a beat. Everything that he had been trying so hard to forget these past days was coming back in an instant and it hit him so hard he thought he was going to suffocate.

"What is it?", Luke, who had been watching him closely, sounded concerned. "What does it say? REID! Why don't you say anything? What is WRONG?"


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry, it took me so long to update, but I was pretty busy. Hope you haven't lost interest._

* * *

"REID, talk to me!", from the sound of his voice Luke was getting impatient as well as scared, but Reid was unable to respond. His gaze was fixed on the piece of paper in front of him, trying to make sense of the blurry patches of writing he was able to make out in his state of shock.

_We regret the tragic circumstances which have led to ... but word has reached us that you are no longer able to … being aware of your extraordinary qualifications, we'd like to offer you a teaching position … starting next term…hope to hear from you… _

Reid lowered his hand which was holding the letter. He was feeling completely numb and fully ignored Luke's urges to tell him what was going on. In the end Luke snatched the letter from Reid's motionless hand and started reading in panic.

After going through the first few lines, his face lit up instantly. "But that is just awesome!", he exclaimed. "They are offering you a teaching position. At Harvard! You should be so proud." He beamed at Reid, waiting for some sort of reaction.

Reid was slowly coming to again, but that didn't make things any better, and instead of raising his spirits, Luke's word's only aroused a feeling of helpless and untargeted anger.

"That's not what I want", he spit at Luke in a bitter voice. Luke took a breath, indicating that he wanted to interrupt, but Reid just cut him short: "And it's not something I could ever want!", he said with emphasis. "I am a surgeon. I belong into the OR doing real work and not into a lecture hall teaching a bunch ignorant med students theory."

"But these ignorant med students could benefit from your experience and become great surgeons just like you." Luke was full of enthusiasm.

"Wouldn't you love the idea of passing on your skills and knowledge to a new generation of potentially brilliant doctors. That way you would still be able to do something meaningful!"

"I don't give a damn about passing on anything. I have worked so fucking hard to become what I am … what I WAS." Reid was practically yelling now. "Outside the operating room I am nothing and you know that. So just stop trying to pretend that I have any kind of future!"

"Of course, you have a future!" Luke was sounding more and more desperate. "WE have a future. Don't you see that Harvard is a great opportunity? We could go to Massachusetts together and start a whole new life. I can run the foundation from there and we could…"

"Will you just give it a fucking break", Reid shouted aggressively, looking as if he was about to punch Luke in the face. "I am not gonna be part of your perfect little happily-ever-after, do you get that?"

Luke had fallen silent, tears of despair were starting to show in the brown eyes. Reid felt a sort of grim triumph at having finally defeated Luke's ridiculous, childish optimism. Why should he be the only one to suffer? After all, if it hadn't been for Luke…

"Reid, please, I wasn't talking about happily-ever-after, I just want to figure something out that might work for us." Luke was pleading now, taking Reid's hand. Reid snatched it away instantly.

"Look, Reid, we were so happy together these past days, we were even about to make love only a few minutes ago. Why can't we build a future on that, on us. If it was for me, you wouldn't have to work at all! I have more than enough money for both of us. We could travel, we could go to Europe…"

"Yeah, that's how you handle things, isn't it", Reid yelled furiously and jumped to his feet. "But there are things that Daddy's money can't buy, you know? Even if that is hard to understand for a spoiled rich kid like you, who is used to getting his way."

Reid was talking himself into a rage: "It's you and your fucking money and power that got me into this mess in the first place. I had it all sorted out, I knew who I was, before you dragged me here, you know that?

My life was exactly the way I wanted it to be, I had achieved anything I ever dreamed of, but you had to come along and blackmail me out of it, just for that pathetic boyfriend of yours.

If it hadn't been for you, I would still be able to do my job, I would still have a life, something to live for. … So, I hope you get it now, I don't want any of your goddamn money. I just want you to leave me alone!"

Luke sat there like a little boy who had been beaten up, a look of utmost shock and terror on his face. Tears were running down his face and he was trembling, but instead of pity Reid felt nothing but disgust.

"You can't mean this", Luke whispered. "Reid, I'm so sorry. But how could I have known back then? If only I could turn back time, I would…"

"But you can't, can you!" Reid interrupted him furiously. "That is something Daddy's money can't buy."

"Please, Reid! Stop talking like that. You know that I would never have done anything to hurt you on purpose. After everything that happened between us you must know that!"

"All I know is that my life is over because of you! And now, just leave me alone. Go home to your Mum and cry because life is so unfair. Maybe she'll buy you a pony to comfort you!"

Reid would remember later that he had never seen such an expression of pain on Luke's face, not even when Noah had broken up with him, but right now he just didn't care enough to pay attention.

Luke got up from the sofa and started walking towards the door, moving extremely slowly, as if he was hoping that Reid would change his mind and tell him to stay any minute, but that only made Reid more furious.

"What the hell are you waiting for?", he shouted, making Luke wince. "Just get the fuck out of here!" And at that Luke finally fled from the room.


	9. Chapter 9

After Luke had stormed out of the room, Reid let himself fall onto the sofa and leaned against the back. He was exhausted from his emotional outburst and slowly his raging anger was giving way to despair.

Breathing heavily, he felt the unfamiliar sensation of tears welling up in his eyes. He hadn't cried in years, priding himself that nothing could touch him deeply enough to make him loosen his grip on himself. At least he was on his own now…or so he had hoped.

It was only two minutes or so after Luke had left that Katie rushed into the room, wearing a beige dressing gown, looking anxious. "Reid, what the hell is wrong?", she asked. "What were you yelling at each other like this for? It's a miracle you didn't wake up Jakob."

Reid swallowed hard and fought back his tears with fierce determination. "We had a fight, so what?", he rebuffed her, pissed off at the fact that he didn't get the privacy he needed so much.

However, Katie wasn't one to give up that easily. "Come on, Reid!" To his dismay she sat down next to him. "That definitely didn't sound as if you were having a normal fight over something. Telling from Luke's voice, he was devastated."

"You know that Luke has that tendency to overreact", Reid replied coldly. "And anyway, it's none of your business. I'm tired of having to discuss every little detail of my private life all the time. We had a fight, I told him some things he didn't like and he ran off, that's it."

Katie looked at him with reproach: "You were accusing him of being responsible for your situation." Reid inhaled angrily, but Katie cut him short. "Come on, you were yelling, it's not as if I had to eavesdrop to understand what you were saying. You blamed him for everything, you insulted him! Do you think that is fair?"

"He blackmailed me to come here, pretending to have some dirt on me! Do you think that was fair?", Reid shot back aggressively.

"But that was ages ago!" From the sound of her voice Katie was getting angry. "And you know why he did it, so how can you hold that against him now? And how can you act as if his making you come here was the direct cause for your accident? It was you who decided to stay in Oakdale. It was you who drove to Bay City. It was you who took a risk at that level crossing!"

Her words finally had Reid's rational mind working again. Of course, she was right. Still, he opened his mouth in order to protest defiantly: "Yes, but if…"

"There's no if", Katie interrupted him again. Reid had hardly ever seen her that angry. "Of course, what happened to you is terrible and I can understand very well that you must be devastated because you have to give up your profession, but you cannot take that out on Luke. Right now you are no better than Noah was."

For a moment Katie watched Reid in silence. Her words were sinking in and arousing a feeling of guilt and regret in him. Maybe he had really been too hard on Luke…

When she spoke again, Katie's voice sounded a lot softer: "What started this anyway? The two of you seemed so happy together lately. I thought that things were really working out between you and now that…what happened?"

Reid felt a strong reluctance to talk about what had led to their fight, both because he couldn't stand to talk and think about his lost career and because he was regretting his behavior towards Luke more and more and didn't want to go into further detail. However, he somehow knew that Katie wouldn't let him off the hook before he had told her the truth.

"I have been offered a teaching position at Harvard Med School", he explained in a hollow voice. "And Luke was trying to talk me into accepting it."

"And how is that a bad thing?" Katie sounded positively surprised, as if she had expected something way more dramatic. "I mean you were a brilliant doctor, why shouldn't you be a brilliant teacher?"

"It's not what I want!", Reid replied defiantly. Aware that he sounded like a stubborn chilc, he corrected himself: "It's not who I am!"

"Well, I can understand that. But how is that Luke's fault?", Katie inquired reproachfully.

"Of course, it isn't, but he is always going on as if everything was okay and as if nothing was standing in the way of us having a future as some sort of ridiculously happy Hollywood movie couple." Reid was still keen on somehow legitimating his outburst towards the blond.

"Well, maybe this is just his way of showing you that he loves you. Maybe he is trying to show you that there is more to life than one's work."

"And…", Katie's tone became sharper, "at least you still have a chance at a future together. Maybe it's time for you to stop complaining about what you have lost and focus on what you have. I would give anything for just one more day with Brad or Chris and you are about to throw everything away."

Tears were showing in Katie's eyes now and Reid deeply regretted having her made witness this.

"If I were you", Katie went on, "I would get over myself and apologize to Luke as soon as possible. You never know when it will be too late. He doesn't deserve this, you know."

Reid got her point, of course she would see things that way after losing not one, but two men she had loved, but he knew he wouldn't be able to face another confrontation with Luke right now. He would have to straighten things out with himself first.

"I will talk to him tomorrow", he reassured Katie, "but right now I need time to think."

"If you say so", Katie sounded doubtful. "Well, I'll go back to bed. I have to work early tomorrow." She got up and walked towards her bedroom.

"Katie!", Reid turned around on the sofa to look her straight into the eyes. "I'm sorry for getting you involved in all this. You have enough problems of your own as it is."

"It's okay", she smiled a tired smile. "That's what friends are for, isn't it?" And then she was gone.


	10. Chapter 10

Twenty minutes later Reid was lying in his bed, but he was far from finding sleep. His thoughts were running riot, spiraling along an endless vicious circle of brooding thoughts and regrets.

The expression on Luke's face before he ran out of the room flashed up vividly in his memory. There had been so much hurt. Remembering this, Reid suddenly doubted that it would be easy to get things between them back to the way they had been.

But maybe this was for the best! In his current condition, having an emotional relationship with anyone and the responsibility that came with that, appeared to him too much of a burden.

He was trapped inside himself. One part of him wanted to break free from his past and his inability to relate to somebody, to bring Luke back and set off into a future with him, but the other part knew all too well that he was far too attached to his old life to ever let go.

Knowing all that about himself, he had to acknowledge that it would only be selfish and cruel to hold on to Luke. Luke was far too young and full of life to put up with somebody like him. Luke deserved better than that and it would be only right to set him free to give him the chance to find somebody who could give him everything he needed.

Imagining what Luke was probably feeling like right now, he felt a stab of guilt. Of course, in his heart of hearts he couldn't help but admit Katie was right. There was no excuse for the way he had treated Luke tonight.

Ever since the accident Luke had been nothing but amazing, but instead of showing him how much he appreciated that, Reid had blamed and insulted him in the worst way imaginable.

And the worst thing was that although he was perfectly aware of what he had done wrong, Reid knew that in his current state he could not be trusted not to freak out like that again.

But then again, Luke's naïve optimism just made him furious. How could that boy believe that love was enough to build a life on? How could he honestly believe that Reid would agree to live off Luke's money? Did Luke really know him that little?

Reid groaned with frustration. He was so bloody tired – exhausted and tired – but his thoughts wouldn't stop haunting him and kept him from falling asleep. After an hour of tossing and turning, he finally gave up and got out of bed in order to get himself something to drink.

With a bottle of water he sat down on the sofa and switched on the TV to see if something not completely stupid was on. Aimlessly, he zapped through the different channels without paying enough attention to actually choose a program. Unable to focus on the TV, he sighed and leaned back.

Was it really just a few hours ago that things had looked so promising between him and Luke and that they had actually been about to finally have sex? Well, the way things looked now, it was probably for the best that they hadn't.

Now that Reid grew more and more convinced that they didn't have a future together, he was relieved that they hadn't slept together yet, so breaking up and moving on would be easier for Luke, to whom making love seemed to mean such a serious commitment.

Reid picked up his water bottle and went back to bed for another attempt at sleep. He tried to empty his mind by force but his thoughts kept squeezing back in…

The problem was that Luke was the kind of person who was completely defined by his emotions and the relationships he was in, whereas Reid's own identity was tied to his work and all the success and prestige that came with it.

If only he himself could be that guy who could build a life on love!

Knowing that he wasn't and never would be, Reid was now torn between his feelings for Luke and the recognition that he wasn't right for Luke, between the urge to apologize in order to bring Luke back and the rational decision to break up for good in order to give Luke the chance to find somebody new.

Reid's mind kept racing to and fro between these two options and before it arrived at a result, a dreamless sleep finally releases him from his ordeal.


	11. Chapter 11

Reid woke up after what seemed to him like only half an hour of sleep. He was far from feeling rested and his head was aching. As if that wasn't enough the memories of the night before and the related haunting thoughts were back immediately.

Unfortunately, no higher power or being had sent him a revelation showing him the right path in his dreams, but that probably only worked for religious freaks and drug addicts.

Anyway, he must have slept for a few hours after all, for it was already getting light outside and he could hear Katie moving about in the kitchen and talking to Jacob.

Reid definitely didn't feel like facing Katie and having her ask him questions or tell him to go and make up with Luke. He would just stay in his room until she was gone. She had said something about having to work early so she would probably leave soon.

For now, trying to go back to sleep seemed like a good idea. Maybe things would be clearer after some real sleep. He just had to try real hard, close his eyes, empty his mind…

Of course, it didn't work. What the hell was he supposed to do about everything? Call Luke and apologize straight away? But then what?

It would only get Luke's hopes up again and Reid would have one more to put on a show and try and be strong for Luke's sake when all he wanted to do was to hide away somewhere without thinking and without having to do anything at all.

He dozed off into a dreamless sleep eventually and when he woke up again, the room was bathed in bright light coming in through the window and the apartment was completely quiet. According to the alarm clock on his nightstand it was 10:54. Assuming that Katie must have left by now, Reid finally dared to leave his room.

Half hoping, half dreading that there might be a message or missed call form Luke, he looked for his cell which he found in the pocket of the jacket he had been wearing yesterday.

The display showed no sign of either message nor call and Reid felt relieved that he would be able to put off his decision regarding his relationship with Luke a little longer.

More out of habit than hunger, Reid made himself one of his famous sandwiches and ate it in front of the TV. Later, he had a shower, got dressed and watched some more TV, while all the while his thoughts were running along through the same circle again and again.

He had only just got stuck with some sort of daytime talk show in which some incredibly fat and some extremely thin kids were telling heartbreaking stories about the causes of their various eating disorders, when his cell rang.

The sound made Reid start and his heartbeat accelerated. So Luke had gotten tired of waiting. How the hell was he supposed to behave? What was he supposed to say to him?

For a moment Reid considered not answering the phone at all but then again he wanted to know what Luke had to say. He turned down the volume of the TV before picking up the phone.

"Yeah?", he tried to make his voice sound as neutral as possible. "Reid? I hope I haven't chosen a bad time but I need to discuss something with you…" Reid was confused. That definitely wasn't Luke's voice on the other hand and the opening line surely didn't fit in with their parting lines last night.

"…I was wondering if you could come and see me at my office this afternoon", the voice Reid now identified as belonging to Bob Hughes continued, "Reid, are you still there?"

"Yes, I'm still there", Reid replied reluctantly. "So what is it you want to discuss with me? You know I can't work anymore, so what could you possibly want from me now?"

"I'd like to make a proposition to you, but I really think we shouldn't discuss this over the phone. Could you come to my office at 15 pm?" Bob's voice became slightly pleading. "And this is not just about work. I was worried about you and I really would like to see you again. After all, it has been a while."

Reid rolled his eyes. He couldn't help but feel obligated to go. Bob had always been fair and professional towards him, even at times when Reid had been disrespectful and rude. And then he had also lost his son.

Damn, why had he ever started to care about other people in the first place? There had been times when he would have simply told Bob that he wouldn't come and that was it, but now he heard himself say: "Okay, I'll be there."

"Thank you!" Bob sounded relieved. "I'll see you then!"

After they had hung up, Reid was angry with himself for not refusing the appointment. He couldn't think of anything Bob might propose that could be in any way positive in his current situation, but due to his respect for the older doctor he decided that he could just as well go and listen to what Bob had to say and then leave with a polite excuse.

His decision concerning Luke would have to wait until after his meeting with Bob then. Reid turned up the TV again just in time to witness one of the fat girls hysterically blaming her parents for not giving her enough love as a child and thus caused her to turn to food, the only thing that was always there for her and would never let her down.

Reid, who had only just considered making himself another giant sandwich, decided that he was not that hungry after all.


	12. Chapter 12

A few minutes late for their appointment – for he had fallen asleep in front of the TV due to his restless night – Reid found himself hurrying down the corridors of Memorial Hospital.

As usual, he tried to suppress the air of loss that was welling up in him. It usually worked surprisingly well when he came here for his regular physical therapy sessions. He always made sure that it was just in and out without time for thinking, but today the memories of his past here were not that easily chased away.

Fighting an urge to simply run off and leave Bob to himself, he knocked on the chief-of-staff's office door. "Come in!" Bob's voice sounded tired and when Reid entered the room, he couldn't help but notice that the man sitting at the desk was surrounded by an aura of weariness and exhaustion he had never witnessed in him before.

Nevertheless, the older man's face lit up into a warm smile when he saw his young colleague enter the room and in spite of himself Reid felt touched by this welcome.

"Reid", Bob got up and held out his hand. "I'm glad to see you." Reid walked over to the desk and shook Bob's hand. "It's good to see you, too", he replied politely. Then, both men sat down.

"You look good!", Bob remarked after reading Reid closely. "Your recovery really seems to go well. Maybe this is partly Luke's doing?", he asked with a questioning smile.

Being reminded of Luke was the last thing Reid needed right now, so he decided to ignore the question and get Bob to get to the point. "So, what is that proposition you mentioned earlier?", he inquired.

Bob sighed and cleared his throat before starting to talk. "Well, first let me assure you that I can understand that you needed time and that I would have liked to give you even more time before approaching you with this, but there are decisions that have to be made which cannot be put off any longer…"

With every word Bob was speaking Reid was growing more and more tense. He anticipated what was about to come next and he knew he wouldn't be ready to cope with it. His hands clasped the armrests of his chair, while he was willing his self-control to hold until this would be over.

Bob went on about how he was still looking for somebody to replace him as chief-of-staff and that he needed to decide who would be in charge of the neuro wing and that since Reid was so exceptionally talented and competent, the fact the he wasn't able to perform surgeries anymore didn't automatically mean that he would have to give up working as a doctor altogether, that there were other fields he could specialize in and that he could still be a neurologist doing diagnosis, taking decisions and overseeing surgeries and that…

Reid listened to the seemingly endless sermon with grim satisfaction. Exactly what he had expected! They all seemed to think that he could switch fields of expertise just like that. Neurosurgeon today, urologist tomorrow. No, that wasn't for him!

"So what do you say?" Bob finally ended his speech. "Could you consider being in charge of the neuro wing or choosing a new medical focus and eventually replacing me as chief-of-staff in two or three years' time? It is my deepest personal wish!", Bob closed solemnly.

Reid sighed. This was going to be harder than he had thought. He knew for sure that he didn't want all this, that it would never do for him, since all he ever wanted to be was a neurosurgeon, but the hopeful, expectant expression on Bob's face and especially Bob's last words somehow stopped him from turning down the older man's offer straightaway.

Although he would never have admitted it, he had kind of grown attached to the older man during all these months of working with him and watching him running this hospital.

It was that and the strength Bob was showing in spite of his son's recent death what kept Reid from declining there and then. Yet, he knew that he couldn't accept either and that the best way to handle the situation would be to buy himself some time.

"Look, Bob," he started hesitantly, forcing himself to remain calm and sound professional. "It's not that I don't appreciate your offer, I really do, but I can't take a decision like that here and now. I never thought I would be anything but a neurosurgeon and I need time to think it over!"

"Of course!" From the relief in Bob's voice Reid could tell that Bob also might have expected Reid to turn him down immediately. "And I would really like to give you all the time in the world, but I am short of doctors here and I do need your decision as soon as you can possibly make it."

"Day after tomorrow then", Reid replied quickly. The air in this room seemed to be getting to thick for him, he needed to get out.

"Okay," Bob smiled. "How about lunch at the Lakeview? At 12:30?" "Okay," Reid got up and practically fled from the room without even saying goodbye.

* * *

Once he had left the building, he could breathe more freely again although his problems were far from being solved, but no longer having to put on an act was definitely and improvement for now.

The clear, cold air fitted his current mood and since it occurred to him that going home and having to deal with Katie was not an option he favored right now, he decided to take a walk to try and clear his head before coming face to face with anybody.

Avoiding all those places where he might run into somebody he wasn't eager to meet, he walked as briskly as his still not fully healed knee would allow him. The exercise and the cold helped him calm down. Still, his despair about his situation remained.

Pondering on Bob's suggestion, he came to the conclusion that he just couldn't do it, although he felt sorry about having to turn Bob down. Still, the thought of working in the hospital every day without being able to do his actual job was unbearable. He only hoped Bob would understand.

The other decision he had to take was even harder, although Reid knew damn well that there was only one sensible option he could choose in order to prevent Luke from further harm.

For now, he simply decided to postpone the confrontation with Luke a little longer. Maybe Luke was so mad with him that Reid wouldn't have to make any choice at all.

When two hours later he started getting cold, Reid finally headed back home, hoping he could reach the apartment, and actually even his room, unseen by anyone. Or so he had thought…

Reaching the Old Town he suddenly stopped dead in his place. Only a few yards away from him, Luke was getting Ethan out of his car while Natalie was already standing on the sidewalk. Fortunately, Luke had his back turned towards Reid, so Reid was pretty optimistic that he still might be able to evade the confrontation.

However, fate, intervening in the form of a little boy, wouldn't let him get away this time. "Luuuke, look, there's Reid!", Ethan squealed. "Hi Reiiiid!"

"Damn kid!", Reid cursed under his breath. There was no way of pretending he hadn't seen them now. When Ethan had screamed, Luke had turned around and was now looking in Reid's direction.

Reid happened between them, and he slightly started once he had a good view at the younger man's face.

Luke looked as if he had aged overnight. There were dark shadows under his eyes and his face displayed fatigue as well as a deep, heartbreaking sadness.

At that moment, Reid had to fight hard to suppress a sudden urge to rush towards the blond, take him into his arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. However, he resisted that impulse.

Trying his best to appear as normal as possible, Reid slowly walked to towards the small group and was enthusiastically welcomed by Natalie and Ethan. "Reiiid, we are getting ice cream!" Ethan shouted excitedly. And Natalie added in a pleading voice: "Are you joining us? Say you will!"

The only one not showing any kind of enthusiasm was Luke. His face remained serious and he avoided direct eye contact with Reid.

"Hey!", Reid said, making his voice sound casual. His eyes were searching Luke's face for any sign of response. "Hey", Luke replied in a flat voice, his gaze still lowered to the ground.

Before they had any chance of starting a conversation, the kids had thrown themselves at Reid, each grabbing one arm. "Come on, let's go get ice cream. You like ice cream, don't you?", Natalie urged.

Hell, this was awkward, much worse than Reid had imagined. And Luke's silence wasn't helping one bit.

The tension between them wasn't lost on Natalie. "Why aren't you saying anything?", she asked, sounding confused and worried. "Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing's wrong", Luke hurried to say, obviously wanting to reassure his sister. "So come on. Let's get you your ice cream." The smile he gave her didn't come over as too genuine.

Reid watched the scene, his feeling of discomfort growing with every passing second. This was so typically Luke, putting away his own feelings when it came to his family.

Reid just knew he couldn't do this. He was neither able nor willing to pretend for the sake of some strange kids and he still hadn't arrived at any kind of decision concerning Luke.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I have things to do. Maybe some other time!" The kids looked disappointed, but with the help of the ice cream, he would probably be forgotten in no time.

The moment he came up with his lame excuse, something flashed up in Luke's face. Was it disappointment? Was it relief? Reid wasn't able to tell, and as soon as it had come, the expression was gone again.

"Well, I figure I see you around then", Luke said, again in that flat voice. And with a simultaneous "Bye Reid!" from Natalie and Ethan they were gone, leaving Reid to his dark thoughts.

Obviously, he was beginning to lose Luke, but instead of being filled with relief, Reid was overcome by an overwhelming sadness.


	13. Chapter 13

When Reid got home, Katie was sitting on the sofa, folding laundry with Jacob playing on the floor. "And?" Katie enquired as soon as he got in. "How did things go with Luke!"

Reid felt like turning on his heels. Exactly what he needed right now! An inquisition!

"Katie. Could we please not talk about this right now! I will talk to Luke when I know what it is I want with him. And anyway I have other things to sort out at the moment, so can you please give it a break!"

"O-kay!" Katie replied reluctantly, making it clear that she was anything but okay with Reid's demand. "But I wouldn't wait too long if I were you…"

"Yeah, thanks, I think you already said that yesterday", Reid said coldly. "And – by the way – you aren't me!"

"So may I ask what else it is you have on your mind?" Katie was clearly pissed.

"If you have to know – Bob wants me to come back to work in the hospital again and eventually take over as chief of staff!"

"But Reid – that's amazing! Bob already indicated something like that when I last visited Kim. Isn't that what you wanted?"

"No, it's definitely NOT what I wanted! What I WANT is to be a neurosurgeon –one of the best neurosurgeons in the world and that would be the reason why I would deserve it more than anyone else to become chief of staff!"

"Oh come on, get over yourself!", Katie said impatiently. "You know that you will still be a brilliant doctor, no matter what you specialize in. You can still help people – save lives – and isn't that what it should be all about instead of you and your ego?"

"But this isn't just about my ego!" Reid was getting desperate. Why didn't they understand? Why did none of them understand? He was DR. Reid Oliver, brilliant neurosurgeon! Having lost that, there was nothing left of him.

"Look, Katie, I simply can't work in that place anymore. Everything there reminds me of what I have lost and I can't stand that. Don't you see, I just can't handle that!" To his anger, his voice was trembling.

"Of course I understand!" Katie said softly. The glance she cast him was full of compassion. "I only hope for your sake that you will get out of this eventually. You should at least try to move on. You know, when Brad died, I thought I would never be able to love again and then Chris came and…"

She interrupted herself and Reid could see that she was fighting back tears. He quickly went over to the sofa, sat down next to her and put his arm around her. "You will fall in love again!", he said solemnly. "I promise!"

Katie shook her head and smiled sadly. Then she continued working on the laundry. Reid also picked up a piece of Jacob's clothing and after a few clumsy attempts figured out a way to fold it before turning to the next one, and for the next twenty minutes or so they worked together in companionable silence.

* * *

Some time after they had finished, Katie got ready to leave, for she had promised to help Allison with the wedding preparations.

"Want me to babysit?", Reid offered.

"Thanks, but I'm taking Jacob with me. Kim is looking after him. I guess having somebody to take care of distracts her from her grief and helps her cope."

After Katie had left, Reid indecisively zapped through the TV channels again, but nothing that was on kept his thoughts from going back to Luke and the job offer and suddenly the silence became unbearable.

Left alone with his spiraling thoughts, he had a feeling he was about to go insane and the only thing he knew was that he had to get out immediately.

Determined to stop his mind from working, he headed straight for Yo's, sat down at the bar and ordered a beer and a double whisky. The bartender eyed him suspiciously but didn't say anything.

Reid finished off the whisky in two big gulps and set down his glass, causing a clashing noise. He hadn't eaten anything since his late breakfast, so the effect of the drink kicked in immediately. Warmth was spreading inside him and he felt his body and mind relaxing.

Satisfied that the alcohol was doing the trick, Reid ordered another whisky and turned to his beer. Suddenly things didn't appear that bad any more. And when a little later he had downed his second whisky and was drinking his third beer, they looked even better.

"Hi Dr. Oliver!" He suddenly heard a cheerful voice behind him."Didn't know you were coming, too." Reid turned around and found himself looking at Casey Hughes. "Where is Luke?"

'Noohh!', Reid groaned inwardly. This just couldn't be happening! That was just his luck. First he had to run into Luke and his siblings and now he had somehow managed to have his drink at exactly the time and place that Luke was meeting his friend, probably also about that wedding.

"Hi! How are the wedding preparations going?", Reid asked to buy himself some time get and to distract Casey from the questions of Luke's whereabouts and the fact that he himself neither knew that Luke had been planning to meet Casey nor where exactly Luke was at that moment.

His mind was working at full speed, desperately trying to figure out a strategy that might enable him to escape in time before Luke would be there, without having to reveal his problems with Luke to Casey and without looking too stupid, either.

"Oh, I leave that to the women!" Casey grinned, rolling his eyes. "They are at our place discussing decorations and seating arrangements and all that kind of stuff and so I thought I'd better get out of the way and meet Luke for a drink or two, but I figure he already told you that."

"Hhm", Reid left it to Casey interpret whatever meaning he figured right into that noise. He had to get out of here. Now! This was not the moment to deal with Luke…He would simply…

Before Reid had the chance to think of something he 'would simply' do, an all too familiar figure entered the bar and stood by the door for a moment, scanning the room – probably for Casey.

Resigning to his fate, Reid stared at Luke anxiously. Luke still looked both sad and tired. Noticing the two of them, his face reflected some mixture of surprise and shock, but definitely not joy at seeing Reid with Casey.

In the face of his own urge to run and hide, Reid didn't blame him. Luke had probably hoped for a relaxed evening with Casey to distract him from his problems and now he had run into the very cause for his problems.

For just a second Luke's eyes met Reid's – sad brown eyes expressing curiosity and reproach at the same time – before both men quickly lowered their gaze. Slowly and reluctantly, Luke started walking towards them.

"Ah, there he is", exclaimed Casey, who had followed Reid's gaze. "Hey, Luke", Casey patted his friend's back as soon Luke stood next to them. "Reid and I already started wondering if you would show up at all", he said jokingly.

Out of the corner of his eyes Reid saw Luke's face taking on a quizzical expression, but he still avoided the blonde's gaze, keeping his eyes fixed on his drink. Luke greeted Casey half-heartedly, barely able to conceal his confusion.

Fortunately, Casey didn't seem to notice that Luke and Reid were neither talking to nor looking at each other. "How about getting us a table", he suggested and without waiting for a reply, headed straight for an empty one in the corner of the room.

"So?" Luke started as soon as Casey was out of earshot. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?" His tone was sharp and reproachful. He didn't sound much like the Luke Reid knew. "What are you doing here? And what the hell have you told Casey?"

Reid smirked. "Well, to clear this up straight away: _I _haven't done anything and I haven't said anything!", he explained condescendingly. " I just came here to have a drink, and when Mr. Hughes here turned up, he falsely assumed that you had invited me to join you and before I had the chance to set him straight, you turned up. End of story!"

Reid finally raised his eyes just in time to catch an air of disappointment on Luke's face. "What?", he said mockingly before he could help it. "Did you think that I have been following you?" Why was he behaving like such an asshole?

"Definitely not!", Luke replied coldly. "After last night? No, I certainly didn't! You made it clear enough what you think about me. Still, now that the misunderstanding has happened, I would very much appreciate it, if you did me the favor of joining us for a couple of drinks so I don't have to explain things to Casey. Do you think you can do that for me?"

'Noohh!', Reid's mind was screaming at him. His heart, however, told him that after treating Luke like shit for no acceptable reason the night before, he now at least owed him that much. Things were hard enough for Luke right now without having to go over their difficult relationship with Casey Hughes.

"Sure", he replied. He took his half-empty beer and got up, making sure he appeared as reluctant and bored as possible. "Fine", Luke snapped and spun around. They walked towards Casey's table, carefully avoiding any kind of physical contact.

The next hour or so went surprisingly cool for Reid. They had a few drinks – beer for Reid and Casey, Soda for Luke – and mostly listened to Casey complaining about having to put up with all the fuss the women were making over the wedding preparations.

To his own astonishment, Reid found himself slightly amused by the way in which Casey was mocking the behavior of the female members of his family as well as his bride-to-be. He even caught himself laughing and occasionally joining in the conversation. That Casey actually seemed like somebody he might get along with. Of course, the alcohol was doing its part in improving Reid's mood as well.

Luke, too, seemed relieved because of the way the evening was turning out. His posture and behavior got more and more relaxed and he even cast Reid an occasional smile.

Due to the effect of the drinks and Luke's smiles Reid actually felt kind of at ease with himself. Maybe things weren't that bad after all…

The conversation eventually turned from the wedding to Ally's and Casey's plans for the future. Casey told them how he was planning on going to Med School and becoming a doctor and how excited he was about it. When the waiter passed their table again, Reid ordered whisky instead of beer. It suddenly felt as if the air was getting thicker in here and there was a lump in his throat that he was hoping to wash down. Luke looked at him anxiously.

Ignorant of the other two men's reactions, Casey ordered another beer and went on about how he would study hard to become the best doctor he possibly could, his eyes were glittering and the enthusiasm in his face and voice was growing and growing, as was the lump in Reid's throat.

Reid was rigid with grief. The young man opposite him painfully reminded him of himself all those years ago. The enthusiasm, the determination, the ambition. Never in his life had he envied anybody as much as he was envying Casey now. He had another whisky, and then another, ignoring Luke's worried glances.

It was when Casey was outlining his plans of coming back to Oakdale to work at Memorial that Reid was sure that he wouldn't be able to take this much longer. Not only did he feel as if though he was about to suffocate, but the liquor along with the fact that he hadn't eaten anything in hours, was also causing a rapidly increasing feeling of nausea.

"So one day you are going to be my boss!" Casey closed, beaming at Reid.

And that was too much! Reid was overcome by such a strong urge to throw up, that he knocked over his chair before he practically ran out of the bar. Hardly believing his luck, he actually made it to one of the cubicles in the men's room – but only just – before being violently sick.


	14. Chapter 14

**Thanks again for you reviews! It's cool to see that some people actually like this story.**

* * *

After being sick for what felt like at least an hour, but in fact wasn't more than a few minutes, Reid sat on the floor, exhausted, his head leaning heavily against the cubicle wall. Normally, the very thought of sitting on the floor of a public toilet would have filled him with disgust, but at that moment Reid was beyond caring.

People use to say that when you're drunk, you feel better once you have been sick, but somehow that wasn't working for Reid here. Although his stomach had to be empty by now, he was still feeling pretty nauseous and far from sober. If only he…

The sound of the door to the men's room opening interrupted his blurry thoughts. "Reid", he heard Luke's worried voice call out. "Are you in here?"

Reid didn't reply, but since he had left the cubicle door open, Luke found him immediately and crouched down next to him. "Are you okay?", Luke asked gently. Reid just groaned. His head was spinning and he didn't trust himself to talk.

Carefully, almost shyly, Luke reached out his hand to touch Reid's cheek and tentatively caressed it with his thumb. "I'm sorry about what happened with Casey. And he is, too. Once he noticed what he had done, he felt like shit."

Reid rolled his eyes. Casey Hughes' feelings were the last thing he cared about right now. Why was Luke here anyway? Taking care of him, being kind and supportive after everything Reid had said to him last night. This was so typically Luke! And it was so typically him, Reid, to screw up like this again.

"Come on. Let me take you home!" Luke got to his feet and tried to drag Reid up, too. The very thought of having to move made Reid want to be sick again and the moment Luke finally managed to pull him into a standing position, he almost fell back again, if it hadn't been for Luke steadying him. His head was spinning even faster now.

"Listen", Luke said as if talking to child, cupping Reid's face in his hands and looking him straight into the eye. "Everything will be okay. You just have to last a few minutes longer and make it to your place, and then you can go to bed and sleep it all off. You're probably gonna be pretty hung-over tomorrow, though", he teased, trying a grin.

Somewhere inside his spinning, nausea-driven head Reid felt guilty as hell. Luke was again being the selfless, loving boyfriend he had already been with Noah, irrationally optimistic and always trying to make the best of everything.

Luke put his arms around Reid, holding him in a firm grip, and Reid allowed himself to be led out of the men's room and then out of the bar. A waiter handed Luke their jackets on their way out and the loss of Luke's second arm around him almost caused Reid to stumble.

He had to cling tightly to the younger man to stop himself from collapsing while Luke was putting on his jacket and in vain trying to help Reid to put on his. Once they were outside, however, the cold evening air on his cheeks made him feel a little better. The sudden cold caused him to shiver and Luke put his jacket around his shoulders.

Reid's intoxicated brain suddenly felt the need to express his feelings to Luke. "Luke! ... You are too good for me", he slurred. "Actually, you're too good for this world." Luke didn't reply, but kept half dragging, half pushing Reid through the night.

"I treat you like shit and you are still so good. You're so great and I'm such an asshole", Reid continued, still not getting a response from Luke. "I don't deserve you, Luke! You deserve someone much, much better, so much better…"

Luke still didn't say anything and Reid looked at him in confusion. Why was Luke looking so grim? Had Reid said anything wrong? He thought that everything he had told Luke just now was nice and bound to make him happy… Well, maybe Luke was just feeling cold. That would also explain why Luke was increasing his speed…

When they had finally arrived at Katie's place and Luke had let them in, Reid went straight for the sofa and collapsed on it. The room was spinning around him, faster and faster and his stomach started convulsing again.

Then suddenly Luke was beside him, holding a glass of water. "Drink this", he urged Reid, dragging him into a sitting position. "It will help you get better." Lacking the necessary will power to contradict, Reid took the glass into his shaking hand and drank, spilling half the water over his shirt and jacket.

He knew after the first swallow that he shouldn't have done this. His stomach wasn't able to cope with anything and once more he found himself running for the bathroom. Kneeling on the cold bathroom floor, he was sick again, and then everything went blank.

* * *

The next morning he awoke with what felt like the worst headache he had ever had in his life. He was sure that if somebody had cracked open his skull for surgery and then just left like that, the pain couldn't have been any worse.

He was lying in his bed, covered by his blanket, but still wearing the jeans and shirt he had worn the night before. Only his shoes and jacket had been removed and he spotted them on the floor beside the bed.

Reid tried to remember what exactly had happened last night, but his memory only revealed a distorted version of the events. He was able to put together more or less everything that had happened at Yo's and on the way home, but the rest was only blurry bits and pieces.

There was him being sick on the bathroom floor, Luke leading him to his bedroom, him lying in bed, shivering, and Luke softly stroking his hair…. Trying to wrap his mind around these images, Reid lay completely still and stared at the ceiling for every little movement caused his headache to multiply. He couldn't remember when he had last been that hung-over, but couldn't.

Reid closed his eyes again. The light from the window was only adding to the piercing pain in his head. Along with his gradually returning consciousness more memories of the previous day came back to him. The conversation with Bob, the decision he had to take, Luke…

Fuck, what the hell had he done getting drunk and then allowing Luke to look after him when he had come to the conclusion that it would be best for Luke, if he broke up with him immediately. Now that he had let Luke back in, this wouldn't be any easier. He only hoped that Luke had gone home…

Reid wondered if it was possible to stay in bed with his eyes closed and just shut off the rest of the world forever. He simply didn't feel up to facing his loss and to deal with Luke, Katie or Bob. Maybe, if he just pretended not to see or hear anything, if he didn't even open his eyes, they would eventually give up and leave him alone…

Unfortunately his thoughts and memories were not as easily shut off as the world outside and after several minutes of being tortured by his own mind, he decided that staying in bed was probably not a solution after all. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes and slowly pulled himself up into a sitting position.

There was a glass of water on his nightstand – Luke, of course, thoughtful as usual – which he emptied in one go, suddenly feeling the extreme thirst which was the inevitable consequence of getting drunk. One glass certainly wouldn't do.

Clumsily, he got out of bed. His headache was still killing him and as soon as he was standing, he was so dizzy that he had to concentrate hard on each of his movements in order to keep his balance.

Slowly and carefully, he started to make his way out of his room and into the hallway, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground to make sure he wouldn't stumble over one of Jacob's toys and fully collided with Luke.

Nearly collapsing due to the impact, he quickly reached for the wall in order to steady himself. They both looked at each other and Reid felt utterly uncomfortable. "Sorry, I really didn't see you", he broke the awkward silence and tried a grin. "I figured as much", a little smile materialized on Luke's face, quick, shy, but nevertheless touching.

"So you're finally up", Luke continued, examining Reid with his eyes. "How do you feel?" "Like shit!", Reid replied drily. "One should think that once you're in your thirties you have learned from past mistakes with alcohol… Well, I'm definitely learning now." Another quick smile. Another moment of silence.

"Thanks for taking me home and all", Reid added quickly. "It must have sucked considering the state I was in…" "Yeah, getting you home from the bar and then from the bathroom to your bed was a pretty tough job", Luke laughed nervously.

Reid grinned, too. "Sorry for giving you such a hard time", he joked and only then became aware of how stupid this was considering the way he had treated Luke the day before yesterday. What he owed Luke was a serious apology, not a stupid joke and from the shadow on Luke's face he could tell that Luke's thoughts were running along the same lines.

But as was typical with Reid, knowing what was the right thing to do and actually doing it were two completely different things. "I have to get some water. I'm dying of thirst here." He made his escape to the kitchen, took a bottle of water from the fridge and emptied it without once setting it down.

"Where's Katie?", he asked Luke, who had followed him. "Off to work. And Kim is sitting Jacob", Luke replied. "She was pretty surprised to find me here sleeping on her sofa, so I had to tell her … well … about why you weren't feeling well." Luke's voice sounded apologetic. "I hope that was okay", he added anxiously.

"Of course", Reid assured him absentmindedly. So Luke had spent the night here, on the sofa. Probably not wanting to leave Reid alone.

"Katie wanted to check in on you before she left, but I told her to let you sleep", Luke went on. "Thanks", Reid smiled at Luke, but cursed inwardly. Why did this guy have to be so amazing? Why was he making it so hard for Reid to break up with him?

"I had better take a shower. I still feel like shit." Reid hurried to his room, snatched some clean clothes and went on to the bathroom. Good, another escape. Bought himself some more time.

Reid took a long time showering, brushing his teeth several times and getting dressed. Since the warm water and the steam from the shower had done nothing to diminish his dizziness, he had to do everything very slowly and focus on every movement. He simply didn't feel up to any decision-making now.

When Reid finally came into the living room, Luke was still there, watching TV. Reid sighed. What he wanted now was privacy to think things through properly.

"Hey", Luke looked up when he heard Reid enter the room. "I've made you something to eat. There's nothing like eating something with lots of fat in it to fight a hangover."

He pointed at the kitchen table where Reid discovered a plate with a huge complete Reid-style sandwich on it. Reid had to swallow hard although he wasn't eating yet. He fought a sudden urge to run over to the sofa, just take Luke into his arms and kiss him. Instead, he sat down at the kitchen table and took a bite from his sandwich.

"Thanks!", he said with his mouth full. The sandwich was exactly like one of his, Luke hadn't left out a single ingredient. Only now that he was eating, did he realize how hungry he had been.

Luke was watching him and grinning. "What?", Reid inquired between chewing. "Nothing", Luke smirked. "It's just that you eat as if you were taking part in some competition." "This just shows you how much I appreciate your sandwich. You should be proud." They both laughed.

Luke got up and came towards the table. "Look Reid", he said, his face turning serious again. "I have an appointment at the foundation. Are you going to be okay? Or should I call and reschedule?"

"No!", Reid hurried to reply with emphasis. He stood up and took his plate to the sink. "I'm gonna be okay. All I need now is some more sleep. You have already done more than enough."

"Okay", Luke's voice didn't sound convinced. "Then I will go home and change." He took a few steps, but seemed reluctant to leave. He was looking lost and ever so young with his messy blond hair and dark brown eyes.

He couldn't just let him leave like this. Not after everything he had done. "Luke!" The blonde stopped and Reid went over to him, looking him straight into the eyes. "Thank you!", he said solemnly, carefully touching Luke's shoulder. And before he could help it, he had wrapped his arms around the younger man. All he could see were those deep magnetic brown eyes before he completely closed the distance between them and took Luke's soft lips in a deep kiss.

* * *

**I think this was the longest chapter so far. Hope you liked it.**


	15. Chapter 15

_Sorry, it took me so long to update. To make up for it, I wrote quite a long chapter._

* * *

At that moment Reid felt almost happy. Luke had completely melted into the kiss and both his hands were playing with Reid's hair. When they eventually broke the kiss, both men were breathing heavily. Luke was beaming at Reid, his trademark bright smile that used to get under Reid's skin even when he had still thought that he hated the spoiled kid. They were still holding hands. "I'm afraid I have to go now", Luke said and grinned apologetically. "But I'll be back." Slowly and reluctantly he let go of Reid's hands and then he left.

Alone in the room, Reid groaned and leaned against the door that had just closed behind Luke. How the hell had that happened? This was about the most stupid thing to do. In his mind he knew that he was no good for Luke and that they didn't have a future together, so the reasonable thing to do would have been to keep his distance until he would have figured out what to do, but there was something about that kid that he simply wasn't able to resist.

It was his eyes. Surely, everything about Luke was attractive, even hot, but it was those deep brown eyes that could look both so infinitely happy and infinitely sad and which never failed to get under Reid's skin. Maybe they did have a future after all.

Unfortunately, Reid had other things to deal with as well. He cursed himself for telling Bob that he would give him an answer concerning the job offer so soon, but then again he understood that Bob was under pressure to fill the vacancies in his hospital as soon as possible.

Reid sighed, leaning heavily against the door. He felt tired and even though Luke's sandwich had improved his condition a little, his head was still aching like hell. Thus, he decided that there was no point in trying to make a decision before getting some more sleep.

Back in his bed, Reid was asleep in not time. His body still had to deal with the effects of last night's heavy drinking and the shower had only stressed it out further.

When he awoke, he had no idea how much time had passed. His head was much better and his sleep had been sound and dreamless. Once awake, however, his mind instantly sprang into motion again and that was never a good thing these days.

Bob's offer and the fact that he would have to make a decision by next morning were haunting him again. If he accepted it, he would from now on be doing medical work that would never even come close to what he had accomplished as a top neurosurgeon and on top of that he would have to face what he had lost every single day.

If he declined, on the other hand, he would turn his back on his dreams and ambitions for good. For several months he had lived for the new neurology wing and the chances it would offer to patients from all over the world once word of its reputation would have spread and now he had not only lost this dream but his ability to perform surgeries altogether.

Once again he felt as if his heart had been ripped out and a wave of despair was washing over him, dragging him along with it. The tears were there, suddenly and unfamiliar, and he was unable to keep them back. The grief for his old life, his whole identity and being was unbearable.

He stared down at his right hand, which had been strangely numb ever since the accident. Even though it was not completely useless when it came to everyday stuff, he was in no way able to do any kind of precise work, not to mention operate on somebody.

In flash of helpless anger he hit his mutilated hand against the bedside table - several times - as if to punish it for ruining his life, but he only thing he got out of that was that the feeling of numbness was now replaced with pain.

He had to get out of here. This crying like a girl and freaking out like a lunatic wasn't getting him anywhere. Brushing the tears from his face with an angry movement of his good hand, he stormed out of his room. Indecisive where to go and what to do, he grabbed a jacket, his purse and his mobile and left.

He opted for a short walk in order to clear his mind, but although the walk ended up being a very long one, his mind was far from clear when he eventually found himself back in the Old Town.

Not ready for any kind of conversation with either Katie or Luke, he finally chose the cinema as the best option to keep his mind distracted and prevent him from having to interact with anyone.

Not being familiar with any movies or actors he simply picked something called _Paranormal Activity 2_ for it sounded the most interesting one among the films on offer. Although the story sucked and the quality of the movie reminded Reid of some dilettante home videos, there were some moments of tension and shock that kept him temporarily distracted.

After the movie he still didn't feel up to facing anyone, so he went for another walk. Weighing the different options for the thousandth time, Reid could no longer deny the fact that his decision had been clear from the beginning.

The mere thought of working at Memorial, where he would be confronted with some second-rate colleague doing the work he used to do, was enough to drive him insane. There was no way he would ever be able to stand the actual situation. His answer to Bob had to be 'no'.

Knowing that he would have to face Katie and her questions eventually, he finally went home. Katie was half-sitting, half-lying on the sofa, watching TV. When he entered the room, she sat up straight.

"Hey, where have you been", she asked, raising her eyebrows. "Luke was here. He waited for more than an hour and tried to call you several times."

"I went for a walk and then to see a movie", Reid replied curtly, indicating that he didn't care for further questions, and took his mobile out of his pocket. He had switched off the sound before the beginning of the movie and now noticed that he had four missed calls from Luke.

"Where is Luke now then?", he asked Katie, fearing another drama. "He wanted to go searching for you. You thought that maybe you had decided to hit a bar again. He only left about twenty minutes ago."

Reid sighed. Why couldn't everybody just leave him alone? Reluctantly he pressed the 'call' button and brought his mobile to his ear. Luke answered immediately. "Reid? Are you okay?" Luke sounded worried.

"Perfectly okay." Reid tried to make his voice sound cheerful. "Just needed some fresh air. Sorry, I had my cell switched off…"

"It's okay", Luke interrupted him. "Want me to come over?" Reid hesitated. On the one hand he needed to be alone now, but on the other hand he didn't want to hurt Luke's feelings again.

"Actually", he said, "I'm just damn tired. Why don't we call it a day and tomorrow night we'll go out properly? How does dinner and a movie sound to you? Isn't that what couples do?"

Reid could hear Luke laugh at the other end. "Dinner and a movie it is", he said. "See you then. Good night, Reid."

"Good night", Reid murmured and hung up. That had gone well. Now he had time to deal with Bob without Luke getting in the way and Luke could go to sleep thinking everything was alright.

"So you and Luke are okay again?", Katie smiled. "Are you better, by the way?", she grinned. "Luke told me you weren't feeling too well last night", she teased him. "Yes, thank you", Reid replied drily. "That wasn't one of my best ideas."

"Well, there was something good about it, too, right?", Katie said gently. "And what would that be?", Reid inquired. "That now I have learned my lesson and next time I will drink more cautiously?" Katie laughed and shook her head. "That it brought the two of you back together, you idiot."

Then she turned serious again. "You haven't told Luke about Bob's offer, have you? He seemed completely clueless and I didn't want to be the one to tell him."

"Thanks", Reid cast her a grateful smile. He was definitely relieved. "Look", he added by way of explanation. "Things were only just starting to smoothen a little between us this morning and I didn't want to bother him with the next thing, especially not before taking a final decision myself."

A look of surprise was forming on Katie's face. "So you have changed your mind?", she asked, sounding hopeful.

"No", Reid replied hoarsely. "I'm sorry to disappoint you and I'm afraid my decision will disappoint Luke, too, but I just can't help it, I can't. I'm a neurosurgeon. I WAS a neurosurgeon, and now…" His voice broke.

Katie jumped to her feet and before Reid could do anything to stop her, she had reached him and wrapped her arms around him. Being held like that, Reid once more felt tears welling up inside of him, but this time he succeeded in fighting them back.

"You will find something new!" Katie mumbled against his shoulder. "Just give it some time. You will get over it and then you're gonna move on. I promise!" Reid sighed, but didn't say anything. 'I wish I could believe you', he thought to himself.

* * *

The next morning Reid faced the new day after a torturing night full of weird dreams featuring the day of his accident and long periods of lying awake in between. Now that his meeting with Bob was only hours away, he would have given anything to get out of it.

Feeling utterly restless and depressed, he wasted away the morning, half-heartedly having breakfast, playing with Jacob, who was beginning to try his first words, and watching TV. Katie, who realized the condition he was in, left him alone and Reid was grateful for that.

Later Katie dropped him at the Lakeview on her way to work and he was planning on taking a cab back. Reid still hadn't had the nerve to look for a new car and on the few occasions that he had driven Luke's car since the accident, he had felt pretty uncomfortable.

He was early for the appointment, so he sat down at a table and ordered a beer. Once more he told himself that what he was about to do was the only possible way for him, when…

"Reid?", a female voice greeted him. He looked up and right into the smiling face of Lily Walsh. Great! Just what he loved about Oakhell. Never a single moment of privacy. Actually, he had come to like Luke's mother well enough over the past few months, but this simply wasn't the time for small talk.

"What are you doing here? Are you meeting Luke for lunch?", she inquired, but before Reid had the chance to answer, Bob turned up and greeted the two of them. "Lily, what a nice surprise", Bob added. "Unfortunately this is sort of a business meeting. Otherwise I would ask you to join us."

"No, of course", she replied. "I was only saying hello to Reid. You two discuss what you have to discuss and I'll be back to my work, too." She beamed at the two men. "You absolutely have to come and have dinner with us at the farm again", she addressed Reid before she left them alone.

Bob sat down and looked at Reid, his face all serious. Reid sighed. There was no point in postponing the inevitable, so he simply told Bob about his decisions and the reasons leading to it straight away.

Bob said nothing while Reid was talking. He didn't look angry or disappointed or even surprised, just tired. When Reid had finished his speech, Bob smiled sadly. "Actually, I saw this coming. Casey told me about what happened the other night at Yo's, so I came here expecting that you would turn me down."

"I'm sorry, Bob. I seriously am. Believe me, I appreciate your offer, but I can't do it. I just can't", Reid apologized. He liked and respected the older man more than he had ever liked and respected any other colleague of his and really wanted him to understand.

"I know", Bob said. "And I want you to know that I fully understand your decision. I know that these are hard times you are going through and even though we won't be working together any more, I want you to know that you are so much more than just a colleague to me. I will never forget what you did for Chris and I would really appreciate it if, no matter what you are going to do with your life from now on, you kept in touch, as a friend."

Reid swallowed hard before he trusted himself to speak. He hadn't expected this understanding and loving reaction. "Thank you", he finally said hoarsely. "I will."

"Good", Bob smiled at him. "So what about lunch? You can't believe how relieved I am to have an hour away from hospital work and wedding preparations. I can tell you, these women don't give anyone around the house a moment's peace and quiet…" and they spent the rest of their lunch sharing an amiable conversation, avoiding the topic of Reid's professional future.

* * *

After the meal Reid wanted to walk back home, but Bob insisted on giving him a ride. Back at Katie's place, Reid collapsed into the sofa. Although the conversation had gone well and he had even partly enjoyed himself, he now felt exhausted and more depressed than ever.

Memorial Hospital and his amazing neurology wing now definitely belonged to the past and the very idea that Bob would now start to look for somebody else to be in charge was sickening, if not as sickening as the idea of being there and witnessing it happen.

He had no idea how long he had just been sitting there, brewing in his dark thoughts, when the doorbell rang. He was definitely not in the mood to answer it, but since Katie sometimes rang the bell when she was carrying stuff, he got up to open it anyway.

It wasn't Katie, however, it was Luke. A very happy, smiling Luke who drew Reid into a gentle kiss the moment he entered the room. "So?", he asked expectantly, his beaming eyes full of anticipation. "Did anything special happen today?"

"Like what", Reid as tiredly and gently released himself from Luke's embrace. In order to have something to do, he got them two bottles of water from the fridge while Luke settled on the sofa.

Reid had the uncomfortable feeling that he knew already where this was going. And there it was: "Well, my mum told me that she ran into you and Bob Hughes at the Lakeview earlier, and that you were having some sort of business meeting…My god, Reid, I can't believe you have decided to go back to work again…"

"I'm not", Reid cut him short. "Bob made me an offer, I declined, and that's it." He knew he sounded harsh, but he simply didn't want to have this conversation right now. Luke was staring at him, disbelief and disappointment showing on his face. "But…but why?", he stammered.

"Because I am a neurosurgeon and I want to be nothing but a neurosurgeon, why is that so hard to understand", Reid hissed aggressively, slamming the two bottles down on the table. Luke winced as if being hit. "Of course I understand", Luke said softly, obviously afraid of saying or doing something wrong. "I was just hoping that…"

"Yes, YOU were just hoping", Reid heard himself yell before he could help it. "YOU just wanted me to come here to operate on your boyfriend, YOU just wanted me to become a better person and YOU just expect me to move on after losing the one and only thing that ever mattered to me. Has it ever occurred to you that life isn't just about YOU?"

"JUST about ME?", suddenly Luke was on his feet, yelling too, his eyes glowing with fury. He was trembling with anger and Reid took a step back.

"Name one thing that has happened since your accident that was about ME? Do you think I ENJOYED taking you home after you got drunk?

Do you think I ENJOYED standing aside waiting for you to come around, never knowing when you would freak out again?

Do you think I ENJOYED be your whipping boy whenever you felt like it and still having to be the one to come back to YOU, because it would never occur to you to apologize for anything.

Do you think I ENJOYED seeing you so desperate and not knowing how to help you and seeing every single one of my attempts to cheer you up fail?

NO! I certainly didn't enjoy any of this, but would go through it over and over again because I love you, do you hear me? I fucking love you, but you do not seem to give a damn." His voice broke, he was still trembling, but his still furious eyes remained dry.

Reid stared at the younger man, temporarily paralyzed with shock. Luke's outburst made him realize what hell the younger man must have been going through because of him and at that moment the only thing that mattered was to make Luke feel better.

He grasped Luke's trembling hand and pulled the blonde against his breast and into a passionate kiss. At first it seemed as if Luke was about to draw back, but then he felt Luke's tongue greedily searching for his own.

They pressed their bodies together in a tight embrace, clinging to each other as if their lives depended on it, never breaking the hungry, desperate kiss.

Reid felt Luke's hands moving under his shirt, caressing his naked skin and with a moan he moved Luke backwards and gently pushed him down on the sofa.

* * *

_Please tell me how you liked it._


	16. Chapter 16

The moment they were on the sofa, kissing violently, grinding their hips together and panting heavily, Reid tried his hardest to simply give in to his own desire and Luke's touch and kisses, but his mind simply wasn't in it.

He couldn't help thinking that this wasn't right, that they weren't ready, that at that moment they were both doing this for the wrong reasons, that they would probably regret this later.

Luke's greedy tongue inside his mouth, Luke's muscular body against his and Luke's soft hands on his skin were urging him to ignore his doubts and just listen to his body, but he couldn't do it.

He had already caused Luke to suffer that much lately and taking advantage of the boy's fragility and despair in order to dull his own pain was the last thing Luke deserved. If he ever made love to Luke, it would be the real thing.

Slowly he pulled away from Luke, who looked up at him with disappointment. Reid forced himself to smile. "Katie will be back any minute", he said softly, determined not to hurt Luke again. "Bad timing as usual."

Luke smiled back, but his eyes remained sad. Of course, he had noticed the rejection and once more Reid hadn't succeeded in not hurting him. An awkward silence followed, which was fortunately broken by Katie actually returning home.

Reid was relieved, for now his lame excuse for rejecting Luke didn't look so stupid any more, but his relief was not to last, for as soon as soon as she had greeted the two of them, Katie blurted out the question: "And, how did things go with Bob? How did he take it that you declined his offer?"

At first Reid didn't see the danger coming and although he was a bit surprised at Luke suddenly quizzically raising his eyebrows, he didn't notice anything wrong about the question and shortly told Katie about Bob's kind and understanding reaction.

Luke didn't say a word during Reid's conversation with Katie, but when Katie eventually left for the bathroom to take advantage of the fact that Jacob was with Margo and have a long relaxing bath, Luke faced Reid with a questioning expression.

"How come Katie knew about Bob's offer?", Luke asked, suspicion in his voice. "I thought you said you talked to Bob only just now. And how did she know you turned Bob down?"

Reid was surprised at Luke's tone but still didn't see the problem. "Yeah, I told him I wouldn't accept the job only just now, but…" And then it dawned on Reid where this was going, but he also noticed that it was too late to avoid it. "…but he offered the job to me earlier and I talked to Katie about it", he finished.

Luke was silent. He seemed to be processing what he had just heard. "When?", he then asked sharply. "When what?", Reid pretended not to get the meaning of the question to postpone the inevitable.

"When did he offer you the job?", Luke elaborated, impatience and approaching anger ringing in his voice.

Reid sighed. There was no way around this. "Day before yesterday", he murmured, avoiding Luke's eyes, but nevertheless feeling them drilling holes into his forehead.

For a moment none of them said word, each man expecting the other one to say or do something first. In the end it was Luke who spoke first. "So you already knew about this that evening at Yo's", he said slowly. "And all day yesterday. And you never talked to me about it..."

Luke was silent again. And again Reid chose to remain silent as well. He felt too depressed and exhausted to explain to Luke what exactly had kept him from talking to him about Bob's offer. He didn't want to go through all this again.

"But you talked to Katie", Luke suddenly spoke again. "And Casey seemed to know about it, too… Only I didn't …" Luke's voice had become so faint it was almost inaudible. Reid watched the younger man from the corner of his eyes. He was staring straight ahead, the expression on his face rigid and unreadable.

Reid was freaking out inside. He would never come to terms with the value Luke assigned to talking in a relationship. If Luke had his way, they would be constantly talking about their every thought and emotion and Reid just wasn't the talking kind.

Over the years he had grown so accustomed to sort things out on his own that he experienced Luke's need to discuss everything as particularly straining.

"Why did you keep this from me?", Luke asked sadly. He too sounded tired. "Do you trust me that little."

Reid felt a desperate need to hit his head against the wall. What had trust to do with this? Not wanting to yell at Luke yet again, he clenched his teeth. "I didn't keep this from you on purpose", he said slowly as if talking to a child. "But when Bob talked to me, we had only just had this fight, and…"

"This fight?", Luke sneered. "I don't remember doing much fighting on my part." The reproach wasn't lost on Reid. "And anyway", Luke continued. "I can't remember us fighting when I brought you home after getting drunk. And we surely weren't fighting yesterday…"

"Exactly", Reid hurried to say, trying to make the best of Luke's remark. "We had only just made up and I just didn't want to bother you with anything again so soon."

"We had made up?", Luke repeated in an ironic voice. "Did I miss something that day? I only remember taking you home and the next day you just went on as if though nothing ever happened."

Reid didn't say anything. He was shocked at Luke's new offensive attitude but he knew very well that he deserved this.

"But at least you were considerate enough not to BOTHER me with some minor problem like your professional future", Luke continued sarcastically. "I really should thank you for this."

Luke's words were hurting Reid more than he cared to admit. Not so much because Luke was right in blaming him for how he had treated him but rather because of the change he had brought about in Luke.

That cold sarcastic young man he was facing now didn't have much in common with the gentle, loving, optimistic person who had entered this room only a little earlier.

"What kind of a relationship is this, Reid?", Luke tiredly interrupted Reid's thoughts. "You don't want to talk to me, you don't want to touch me and most of the time you don't even seem to want me around."

Luke stopped and looked as Reid as if waiting for some kind of protest, and although Reid's inner voice was screaming at him to tell Luke that he was wrong and that he did care about him, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

"You know, I've had that before", Luke added in a low voice when Reid didn't react. "I've been pushed away like that before. Only then somebody told me that I deserved better than that. Well, seems like that somebody has changed his mind about it, doesn't it?" A bitter laugh accompanied Luke's last words.

Luke's words were hurting Reid like hell and he felt in his heart that he was beginning to lose the boy, but he felt powerless to do something about it. "Look, this isn't about you", he said sadly. "This is about me losing my ability to operate and not being able to deal with that. I just don't…"

"But work ISN'T EVRYTHING!", Luke burst out. "I know what your profession meant to you, but there is more to life than that!"

"Not for me." The sentence had escaped Reid before he could help it, in a very low voice, but Luke heard him alright.

"That's what I am beginning to notice", the blonde replied, resignation echoing in his words. "I want you to know that I love you, Reid", he said solemnly. "And I think I love you more than I have ever loved anyone before, but I won't stand by waiting for you to come around forever."

"Please Reid, you have to try and get over the loss of your job; you have to move on. With all your talents you can do anything, become anything you like." Luke was talking himself into some kind of rage now.

"Listen Reid, there's nothing you couldn't do. You could still be chief of staff at Memorial, you could teach at Harvard or some other university, you could even become a professional chess player, but please, please don't give up on yourself – and on us. You will see that it's worth it"

Luke ended his passionate speech, probably waiting for Reid to react in some way. Reid, however, wasn't sure how to behave. There were two voices fighting inside his head. One of them was telling him to take Luke into his arms, tell him that he loved him too and that they would somehow sort things out together.

The other voice, however, was urging him to make use of this opportunity and end things with Luke before he would hurt him even more than he already had. The past few days had shown him perfectly well that his feelings for Luke weren't enough to help him come to terms with losing of his job and he wasn't willing to evoke any false hope concerning the future of their relationship in Luke when he knew in his heart that it was a lie.

"No, Luke, I don't think that's true. At least not for me, it isn't. You're asking too much of me, I can't simply turn my back on my past just like that. You just don't understand! Being a neurosurgeon was my life, now I am nothing! I'll never…"

"How can you say that?", Luke exclaimed desperately. "You are so much more than that. And you haven't even tried. We will find something for you – together – tomorrow we will…"

"No!", Reid cut him short, his voice sharper than he had intended, but his anger at Luke's lack of understanding concerning his priorities was increasing again. "I don't think this – us – is a good idea anymore. You just don't understand me and I am no good for you. You were right, I am not better than Noah was and you deserve better…"

There was a sharp intake of breath from Luke who seemed to want to protest, but Reid didn't allow him to speak. "We have to end this here and now, Luke. You know it's for the best." Reid saw that there were tears in Luke's big brown eyes, which were fixed on him in shocked disbelief.

"No!", Luke shouted stubbornly. "You know you don't mean that. You cannot just give up on us after everything we have gone through. With all these complications with Noah and Chris and then your accident we never had the chance to actually get started. There is still so much we haven't…"

"Don't make this so hard on me", Reid interrupted him sharply. "This is already difficult enough as it is, but we both know that it's over. You are so young Luke. Way too young to put up with what I have become. You will find somebody who loves you the way you deserve and then you will thank me for letting you go now."

"Never!", Luke yelled defiantly, his tears flowing freely now. In a desperate attempt to turn things around he threw his arms around Reid and tried to press his lips against Reid's.

Reid roughly took him by the shoulders and pulled him back, forcing the blonde to release him. "Don't!", he hissed impatiently. "You know it's for the best." Although he felt a wave of compassion at Luke's obvious despair, he knew that a quick breakup was nothing compared to what pain would be in store for Luke if they stayed together. He was the older and mature one in this relationship and that was why it was his responsibility to do the only rational thing.

"No!", Luke repeated like a stubborn child. "I won't accept that. It's only been a few weeks since your accident and you haven't even tried to do something else. You just have to…"

Luke's words blew a fuse in Reid. "I don't have to do anything", he freaked out. Why the hell couldn't Luke just leave him alone? "I am so sick and tired of you telling me what to do. Ever since things started between us, you have been going on about how I have to change – my behavior towards people, my habits, my priorities, everything. Why don't you just go and look for somebody else who is good enough for you?"

"I never said you weren't good enough", Luke sobbed. "All I wanted was to get you to…"

"Yeah, all YOU wanted", Reid shot back. "You know what? My life was perfect until you dragged me here, but by only acting on WHAT YOU WANTED, it took you only a few months to ruin my life for good. Your idea of love is that everything has to go exactly the way you want it and if it doesn't, you either try to buy yourself whatever it is you want or cry like a frustrated child."

A deadly silence fell between them. Luke's sobs subsided and although his eyes were still moist, his voice was steady when he finally addressed Reid.

"So, if this is how you feel about me, I can only agree that it's best for us to break up." He rose to his feet and walked towards the door. There was nothing childish and spoiled about him now.

Before he left, he turned around to face Reid, who was still sitting on the sofa. "I'm sorry it has to end this way", he said simply before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him.


	17. Chapter 17

_I have to tell you again how much I appreciate your reviews, especially that most you take the time to actually comment on details. I'm always looking forward to reading them. You really keep me going and I would dfinitely love to update more often but unfortunately, I'm usually pretty busy during the week. I hope you'll enjoy the next chapter._

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And then Luke was gone. Back in the living-room Reid leaned back against the sofa and closed his eyes, exhausted. His thoughts and emotions were running riot while his mind was trying to process what had just happened.

He was still furious with Luke for not even trying to understand why he couldn't just leave his past behind and set off into a happily-ever-after with him and for blaming him for not TALKING to him.

Some part of Reid felt relieved that that emotionally straining relationship was a thing of the past now and that from now on he would only have himself to care about again. All this fighting and talking and pretending had completely worn him out and Luke could now just go and find somebody else to bother.

With every passing moment, however, Reid's temper gradually cooled off, and his anger mingled with a feeling of loss. Although he knew perfectly well that this was for the best, he couldn't help but imagine what things between them might have been like if the accident hadn't happened…

But it had happened and Reid forced himself to remain in the here and now. They just weren't meant to be and now that he had finally taken the decisive step to prevent them both from making a huge mistake, there was no point in thinking this over again.

It certainly wouldn't take gentle, loving, gorgeous Luke too long to find somebody new who would lead him to true happiness…

At that moment Katie entered the living room, dressed in a white bathrobe, a towel wrapped around her wet her. "Now that was good", she sighed. "Half an hour of peace and quiet….Where's Luke?", she interrupted herself. "I was hoping we could eat something together before I have to go and pick up Jacob."

Reid took a deep breath. He would get this over with quickly and make it very clear that he had no intention of discussing his break-up with Luke with her, that his decision was final.

"Luke and I broke up", Reid said brusquely.

"You WHAT?", Katie exclaimed and stared at him in disbelief. "But you only just…"

"Katie, please", Reid interrupted her. "You know as well as I do that it's for the best. I can't be in a relationship right now and it would have been selfish and cruel to cling to Luke, knowing that we don't have a future."

"But…", Katie tried again but was instantly cut short by Reid.

"Listen, Katie, could you please, please just leave me be for once. Nothing you could say or do is going to change anything, so just let it go."

Katie opened her mouth as if to say something, but changed her mind. Instead she simply touched Reid's shoulder and gave him a compassionate look before she went to her bedroom in order to get dressed.

* * *

Reid spent the next few hours in front of the TV with several beers, trying his hardest to keep himself from thinking and feeling anything at all.

He was eventually joined by Katie who once again proved a real friend by respecting Reid's wish not to talk about the break-up and simply keeping him company instead.

Thanks to the alcohol he was actually able to get some sleep at night, even though once he lay in his bed, he couldn't help wondering what Luke was feeling like at the moment, but he repressed the thought each time it got up.

* * *

The next day was the first of several days Reid spent simply killing time by watching TV, going for endless aimless walks during which he ignored the pain in his still not fully recovered leg and most nights having a few drinks at Yo's in order to be able to sleep but also to escape Katie's questioning looks and attempts at talking him into making up with Luke.

The loss of his job as well as the end of his relationship with Luke kept him in a trance-like, even paralyzed state in which the very idea of having to make decisions concerning his future, not to mention taking action, seemed impossible.

Desperate not to fulfill the cliché of the typical unemployed he kept on shaving and dressing properly each day although he didn't actually see any point in it.

He was feeling like a ghost who was still tied to this life by some unfinished business while in fact already belonging to the next world. Except for Katie and the waiters at the places he went for food and his drinks, he hardly talked to anybody so that most of the time his own brooding thoughts and haunting memories were his only company.

A few times he ran into Luke in the Old Town but although they always greeted each other like a pair of polite strangers, none of them ever stopped to talk to the other. Reid was pretty relieved about that for he really had no idea what to say to the blonde and he knew that no good could come out of it.

Reid noticed that Luke didn't look well though, no more trace of his trademark beaming smile, and after each encounter the image of the younger man's sad dark eyes would haunt Reid for several hours.

The worst time was when Reid entered Java to grab some takeaway coffee before setting off for one of his solitary walks and Luke was in there, sitting at a table directly facing the counter.

Reid nodded in acknowledgement and quickly placed his order. Luke had started at Reid's entry and Reid almost expected him to say or do something, but the blonde was just sitting there, watching Reid intensely, as if he was waiting for him to take the first step.

Reid lowered his gaze, unable to stand the look on Luke's face but even then could he feel those intense brown eyes staring at him, questioning, reproachful, urging.

It seemed to take the dim-witted waitress ages to prepare his coffee and if it hadn't been for Luke watching and listing Reid would definitely have given her a piece of his mind.

Over the days he received more job offers – counseling positions at hospitals in Chicago, Atlanta and Pittsburg, a teaching job at Princeton University, a job as a researcher and author for a renowned medical magazine and even the request to join a research team for the United States Department of Health and Human Services – but not in the least did he ever take it into consideration to accept any of them.

He couldn't picture himself as anything but the brilliant, celebrated neurosurgeon he had been and the awareness that at 36 his life was practically over was increasing with every passing day.

* * *

The sad routine that had taken over his life was eventually sort of interrupted by the fact that Allison and Casey's wedding was coming up. Reid had received an invitation but of course he was determined not to go. On the other hand he didn't want to appear rude, for, after all, this was Bob's family and, apart from Luke and Katie, Bob was the only person in this town he actually liked.

There was Katie to think of, too, who was begging him to accompany her to the wedding on a daily basis. She seriously seemed to want him there for moral support and considering everything Katie had gone through during the past few months while still constantly being there for him, how could he possibly refuse.

Reluctantly he eventually gave in to her pleading, since hoping that as Casey's best man Luke was probably going to be busy and surrounded by people all the time, he figured that it would be possible to make it through the day without any direct confrontation with the blonde.

It was the evening before the wedding and Katie was trying on different accessories in order to find out what would go best with on her new dark red dress.

Katie herself hadn't cared about getting herself anything new for the wedding but Margo and Allison had insisted on taking her shopping and they had done a great job for Katie was simply looking terrific in it.

Out of respect for Chris, Casey and Allison had both decided not to have any kind of bachelor party, so Katie was spending the evening at home, fussing over her outfit and packing a few things for her and Jacob.

Casey and Allison would leave for a short honeymoon already the next evening after the party and Katie was planning on spending the night at Margo's to try and help her sister get over the 'loss' of her son.

Since Katie was busy, Reid volunteered to pick up the food they had ordered at Al's, none of them in the mood for preparing anything themselves.

It was a Friday night so the place was pretty busy. That was why, even though he had called twenty minutes ago, his order wasn't ready when he arrived.

Waiting by the counter, he let his gaze wonder over the people having dinner and that was when he saw them. It was like a déjà-vu, only that the last time the scene had taken place at Java.

They were sitting at a table across the room, talking animatedly. Both were sitting with their sides towards him, so he was able to watch them without them seeing him.

Noah's right hand was resting on Luke's left as if it belonged there and Reid could see that the familiar smile was back on Luke's face. He was beaming and then he was even laughing at something Noah had just said.

Reis swallowed hard. He hadn't seen Luke so happy, not to mention hearing him laugh, in a long time.

He was so absorbed in watching the two young men that the waiter had to address him twice before he noticed that his order was ready. He paid absentmindedly, probably giving a ridiculously generous tip and cast one last glance at Luke and Noah.

Unfortunately Luke chose exactly that moment to look in his direction and their eyes met for a second. Luke's smile froze instantly and turned into an expression of shock and guilt and Reid could see the blonde quickly snatching his hand from Noah's grip.

Startled by the change his presence he had brought about in Luke, Reid abruptly turned on his heels and left the diner. To his own surprise he wasn't feeling angry or jealous. If anything, he was blaming himself for ruining the moment for Luke.

He didn't get far, however, before Luke caught up with him and grabbed him by the arm. Luke's face was still displaying guilt. "He is just here for the wedding!", he said in an apologetic voice. "We're not back together, we were just talking. You have to…"

"You don't owe me an explanation, Luke. We are not together any more", Reid interrupted him matter-of-factly. "You are free to do whatever you like. And now, if you would excuse me. Katie is waiting for her food."

With these words Reid left Luke standing alone in the street. Before he turned around the corner, he cast a quick look back over his shoulder. Luke was still standing where he had left him, looking hurt and devastated.

It was then that it dawned on Reid that he was standing in the way…


	18. Chapter 18

And so he had decided to put an end to it all, and he would do it tonight. His life had become meaningless, there was nothing left to live for. During the past few weeks the path that lay ahead of him had become clearer and clearer. Nothing in the world could stop him now and he was determined to get it over with quickly.

What had started as a bitter moment of truth last night after meeting Luke, over night had turned into a well thought out plan.

After his encounter with Luke, Reid had gone straight home. He had spent the rest of the evening with Katie, but his mind wasn't in it.

All he could think about was how his presence had affected Luke, causing him to switch from cheerful and relaxed to tense and desperate in one instant.

Fortunately, Katie had gone to bed early, so Reid hadn't had to keep pretending that everything was okay for long, but once she had retreated to her room, there was no more escape from the truth that had hit him earlier.

Alone in his bed, he had started to count his losses and had inevitably come to the conclusion that along with his ability to perform surgeries he had been robbed of his identity, of any kind of perspective in life, of his future and finally of his will to live.

He had spent a long sleepless night, tossing and turning in his bed, trying to come up with the right cause of action and by the next morning he had it all figured out.

Once he had made up his mind, his rational, scientific mind had started to elaborate the details, calculating, considering all related factors, as if though he had been planning a difficult surgery.

First, there had been the method to think of. He wanted something quick and one hundred per cent certain to succeed, no ending up injured in a hospital bed this time. He also wanted to spare Katie the shock of finding him, so he had to find some place other than the apartment to do it.

So after contemplating the different options there were, he eventually came to the conclusion that a train would be the safest choice, only he wouldn't be in a car this time, so there would be no risk of failure.

He also liked the irony of the idea that his life would end almost exactly the way it should have ended three months ago.

Having decided on the means, he then went on to work out the details. The day was perfect because Katie would be at the wedding all day and in the evening she was about to stay with Margo, so she wouldn't worry about him being missing and at the time she would get the news, she wouldn't be alone.

To keep her from getting suspicious, he would go to the wedding with her and then leave early, pretending not to feel well. He also didn't want to die knowing that Katie was mad at him for letting her down on the wedding. He needed to know that things were okay.

Another reason why he decided to attend the wedding after all was that it would provide him with the opportunity to see Luke one last time and inwardly say goodbye to the man that might have become the love of his life.

Suddenly Reid felt strangely calm and peaceful. By this time tomorrow the hell he had been going through since his accident would finally be left behind and he would be free at last.

* * *

So the next morning found a determined yet relaxed Reid ready to put his elaborate plan into action. Doctor Oliver was about to face his last great challenge.

He started the day just like any other day, having breakfast on two huge cups of coffee and a sandwich. It was Katie, who seemed strangely excited and nervous, almost as if it was her own wedding, fussing over Jacob's clothes, her own dress and her hair.

While Katie was in the bathroom, Reid looked up the timetables for the trains to Bay City on the internet and printed them out as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

To his own surprise, he felt completely detached from what he was doing, as if he was doing research on a patient and not planning the details of his own suicide.

After comparing the different options he decided on a train, marking it with a colored pen the way he used to mark important passages in medical books or patient files.

The train in question was supposed to arrive in Bay City at 19:22, which meant it would pass the railway crossing where he had had his accident about nine minutes earlier.

He would go at 18:45 to make absolutely sure that he would not miss his chance, then walk along the tracks and find a place where he wouldn't be in plain view for the engine driver and then simply wait for the right moment.

When he heard Katie come out of the bathroom, he quickly switched off his laptop and took the printout to his room where he put it on his desk before starting to get dressed for the wedding himself.

Reluctantly he put on the pants of the dark grey suit he had worn to all formal occasions since arriving in Oakdale. There had been Casey and Alison's first attempt at getting married, his law suits in Oakdale and Dallas and of course Holden and Molly's failed wedding.

The memory of that day hurt more than Reid cared to admit. Things had looked so promising for him and Luke back then.

Even though Luke had declared that he needed time before he would be able to sleep with Reid, Reid had enjoyed the day for it had been the first time that he had actually felt that he was part of a real relationship where people share things.

Coming home that evening, Reid had actually allowed himself to believe that this was it. That they would have a future together as a pair and that things would work out between them.

Looking back on what had happened since, he couldn't help but laugh at his own stupidity. It wasn't just that they had rushed from one drama to the next, but they also still hadn't made love once and now they never would.

Struggling with his tie, Reid willed himself to stop pondering over the past. It simply wasn't meant to be and now that he had finally embarked on a road out of this mess his life had become, he wouldn't waste time contemplating things that couldn't be changed anyway.

By the end of this day he would be gone and Luke would be free.


	19. Chapter 19

_Thanks for your reviews again. __I'm sorry that most of you find this story so depressing, I hope you will still continue reading. _

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When they arrived at the church, most of the guests had already arrived and the front rows were already occupied with family and friends.

Walking down the aisle with Katie, who was carrying Jacob in her arms, Reid could see Bob and Kim, sitting in the front row on the right side with Tom and Margo.

There were also all kinds of people who Reid remembered having seen someplace or other since his arrival in Oakdale but couldn't quite place, not to mention put a name to.

The third row on the right was completely taken by the Snyder family with Luke's grandmother and John Dixon, Lily, Holden, Faith, Natalie, Ethan and – Noah.

His former patient was sitting between Lily and Faith, who was wearing a purple dress that was even worse than the one she had worn for Holden's failed wedding with Molly, and the three of them were talking animatedly.

Well, Noah would always be a part of Luke's family, and as things stood, Reid could only consider this to be a good thing. Luke and Noah belonged together and that was that.

Luke himself was nowhere to be seen, but Reid assumed that, being the best man, he was probably with Casey, waiting for the ceremony to begin.

Katie steered towards some row in the middle on the left side where Henry was already sitting together with his wife Barbara. Reid nodded at the two of them and left the conversation to Katie. After all, he and Henry had never gotten to like each other and today of all days Reid was not in the mood for any kind of stupid quarrel.

Reid was feeling cold and he hunched his shoulders. Instead of joining in the conversation, he took Jacob, who seemed more than bored and had started whining, on his lap and tried to cheer him up by making funny faces.

It was amazing how much the kid had grown since Reid had moved in with Katie and the way the little boy's face always lit up whenever Reid entered a room he was in, was one of the rare things that made Reid smile these days.

Reid only hoped that one day Katie would find the perfect guy who would not only be the man of her dreams but also good father material for Jacob. Well, judging from the way Katie looked today, it would not take her long to find somebody to take the job.

And then suddenly Luke was there, standing close to the altar with Casey. Reid had been so focused on Jacob that he hadn't seen Luke enter and pass the bench he was sitting in.

Now he was standing there, looking simply gorgeous dressed in a dark gray suit with a white shirt and dark red tie. His hair wasn't held back with the help of styling gel today but was covering his forehead in loose, light blond strains, exactly the way it had the day of Noah's surgery when they had almost had sex.

He and Casey were talking to the family members in the front row now and Luke was smiling his most beautiful smile. Reid simply enjoyed watching him, it felt good to see him smile on that last day. It gave him a feeling of peace and a beautiful image to think of when his time would come tonight.

Jacob, who obviously felt neglected by Reid, made a loud whining sound which attracted the attention of several people, including Luke. The blonde looked into the direction the sound was coming from and immediately caught Reid's eye, who was still staring at him.

From the look of surprise and almost shock on Luke's face Reid could tell that Luke hadn't noticed his presence when entering with Casey. Although he felt slightly embarrassed at being caught staring, Reid wasn't able to take his eyes off Luke and to his surprise Luke didn't look away either but gave him a quick and shy smile that touched him more than he cared to admit.

To his relief the Reverend arrived at that moment and the ceremony began so that Luke's attention went to what was going on at the altar and Reid was now only able to see his profile.

The music started playing and Allison entered with her bridesmaids. She was looking nice enough in her white dress but Reid didn't actually care about things like that.

When the Reverend started talking about what a special and delicate thing the love between two people was and that one had to do everything to keep it alive, Katie reached for Jacob and took him into her arms. Reid could see that there were tears in her eyes as she held her little son closely.

Once again Reid thought how much he admired the way she was coping with all the tragedy that had hit her lately. The strength and confidence she had displayed throughout the past weeks gave Reid a feeling of reassurance. Katie would be okay without him. In the end it was she and not him who had turned out to be the strong one in their friendship.

Relieved that he wouldn't have to worry about Katie, Reid let his gaze wander along the people who were all watching the ceremony attentively. In the end it was the tall dark figure of Noah Mayer which captivated his attention due to the intense expression on the young man's face.

It was expressing so much love and admiration that it was impossible not to notice it and Reid did not even have to follow Noah's gaze to know what it was directed at.

It was not the happy couple that was holding everybody else's attention Noah's eyes were fixed on, but Luke, who was watching the proceedings right in front of him with a thoughtful smile.

Reid smiled, too. It was more than obvious that Noah was still – or again – madly in love with Luke and reckoned they would be back together in no time. Luke deserved somebody who looked at him like this, who loved him like this and Reid was positive that Noah had learned his lesson and would never risk losing Luke again.

In the end Reid's short relationship with Luke maybe hadn't been futile after all, but it had had taught Noah to appreciate what he had lost and the way he was looking at Luke left no doubt in Reid that Noah did not just appreciate but worship everything Luke had to offer and he was deeply and honestly happy for Luke.

Reid returned to watching Luke himself, that smile which was telling that Luke was happy for his friends who had finally found each other but also gave away a hint of longing, longing for love, longing for his own happy ending. Reid could tell that Luke was the kind of romantic who secretly dreamed of getting married himself.

Reid smiled again. Luke was going to be okay, he was sure of that. Once he would be out of the picture and no longer standing in the way, Luke and Noah would get back together in no time and maybe Luke would end up married soon enough.

It was time for the exchange of vows now, but Reid didn't really listen, being way too caught up in thinking about Luke's future. Now that he knew that he wouldn't be around for much longer, he didn't feel the old jealousy when it came to Noah, but he simply wanted to leave knowing that Luke would be happy.

In his mind's eye he pictured a cheerful, smiling Luke, enjoying every day of his life and for an instant he longed that it might be him, that person who would cause Luke to be cheerful and happy and at whom Luke would direct this amazing smile every day, but he didn't allow his imagination to wander off into the world of what might have been.

He knew what he had to do to give Luke his chance at happiness and he was set on doing it. His one great love had been his job and he had lost it, but Luke still had his life ahead of him and should not waste it over someone who didn't love him as much as he deserved.

The ceremony was drawing to its end now with Casey kissing the bride and everybody cheering and starting to leave the church, but things just passed Reid by, who was still distracted by his own thoughts.

Yes, he knew what he had to do and he would not be deterred. One had to know when it was time to quit and his time had definitely come.


End file.
